It changes so frequently, doesn't it?

perspectives

wants

needs

moods

the need for responsibility shifts in and out

the force that keeps me moving forward lifts my heels and frees me for short moments

and then violently leaves me

crushing my chest as it shoves off, leaving me to sleep

for hours and days and weeks and months

and then comes again!

lifting my eyelids from sleep and attaching again to my heels

lifting me out of my slumber and directing my course

although, the course is just a matter of movement. In this state it doesn't matter where I'm headed, or with who, just that I'm here and that I'm moving and that I'm not stuck anymore, at least for this moment.

That I can't keep up with my lips and my hands is a sweet relief from the heavy weight of a silent tongue and the restless exhaustion of clenched fists.

Fists that curl and uncurl in sleep as well as waking hours, preparing for a hit and looking for an easy target.

That I can keep the force at my feet and out of my brain is my wish.

I wake in dreams

wake and rise

take baths

in strange bath tubs

survey the scene

but not well enough

to believe I'm still sane

I always love October.

Goodness happening.

all this energy
directed where?
this morning at anger
sending messages
of hate and aggression
all over the world

all this energy in my stomach
in my jaws
chomping and chewing
fists needing something
to squeeze

fingers needing something to write
having nothing to say
finding everything thats been said
so repetitive

finding everything i think
so repetitive

cramming things into my mouth
into my body
to occupy the time
to occupy the restlessness

getting faded
because i don't know what else
to do.

I want to greet the boundless in everyone.

I need a viewpoint that is not my own.
I need a perspective that allows me to see more truth than I'm seeing right now.

Send me on a rocket to the moon so I can see our world and my little life with all the clarity of the universe.

Our culture is collapsing.

Everyone acknowledges it but nobody seems to care.

Everyone acknowledges that certain things need to change but nobody seems to believe that everything has to change.

We are so engulfed by our current way of living (current being thousands and thousands of years) that we can't see where we used to be or how beneficial to our survival it was.

We hold the belief that we are so superior that this way of agriculture and technology and everything else that goes along with it is just necessary and good as a part of our evolution as humans.

What about the ways of living that were actually beneficial to humans as well as the entire world, what about hunting gathering natural. what about that.

We know as a race that we've gotten it so fucked up that we use religion and the promise of an afterlife to cover the fact that we're killing off our own race, our own people.

but it doesn't matter when your mind is in that state. we know we'll die, but we only think of heaven. we don't think of the generations after us that will suffer immensely and eventually the collapse of human kind.

either that or we perpetuate our current state in a different way, by embracing our advances and ignoring the fact that it still isn't working right. we're still getting more sick and we're still fighting more wars- and no, I don't think it's because we're "sinful, fallen creatures...and that we need to be redeemed and the only way to do that is through Jesus". I think it's because we have got it so horribly wrong in the way we're running and controlling our lives.

we're becoming a robot people who thrive on machinery and efficiency and technology but that won't sustain us forever.

When will the earth start taking back from us everything we've taken from it?

When will all the other species start becoming stronger and start revolting against us, because we revolted against the natural order of life?

Our culture is not self sustainable.

and eventually we are going to use up every resource we have.

and then what

.

"When one does not see what one does not see, one does not even see that one is blind."

Paul Veyne

I like brain damage.

When I stop to think about it, most of the problems or troubles I've ever had are in my head.

Not that I've had a perfect life, but looking back on the years I can't find one thing I'd change.

Not a person, an experience, a feeling, nothing.

The only dramas I've lived out are the dramas of fear

of being terrified of being alive

more terrified of dying

terrified of hurting

or being hurt.

I think about it a lot, how I'd love to know what it feels like to have to summon up true bravery to get through something that wasn't entirely made up by fear.

to really have to fight for my life or help someone fight for theirs. What does it feel like to truly be a victim?

I can't say I've ever lived through anything that I didn't put myself through. I've victimized myself plenty.

But to have to fight for my own survival?

It makes me feel fortunate that I've never experienced that. It makes my own worries seem so much less important. Because most of my anxieties are based on the future and what is going to happen.

Each of my present moments is so blissful and full of joy. I only rob myself of that when I let the future have any sort of impact.

We got the handshake under our tongue

.

my fingers are weighted down like anchors that just want to sink as deeply as they can into ocean bottom.

but my brain forces them to type it's thoughts, to conjure up some words and images so i can see with my eyes what i'm feeling.

what i'm thinking.

and what i'm thinking is that life is crazier and more interesting than i ever thought it could be.

what i feel is blessed peace for the first time in a while.

complete contentment with where i am at this moment.

completely fulfilled by love.

I think the most important lesson I'm currently learning is patience.

Lack of patience has had me so anxious, frustrated, pensive, and angry so much in my life.

Everything about my life right now is forcing me to reflect on what it means to truly be

patient.

To have peace knowing that things don't always happen right away, or even as you think they will.

To have wisdom to know that bad times pass. just as good times seem to slam into bad, bad times always creep their way back to good.

For life to be balanced it must have the good and the bad. The dark and light. The opposite to everything. I forget when I'm stuck in a storm that there is otherness around it. The storm isn't everything. It may be encompassing everything I feel and think at a certain time, but other stuff, good stuff, eventually ends up permeating through that fog and rain and voila-

suddenly I'm back in the sun. And getting a glorious tan, at that.

and it just takes patience. it just takes that little bit of beauty and courage rilke suggests, showing our fears and our sadnesses that we can be graceful. we can overcome. we can get through. and time passes and things are different and its all new and patience will prove that.

I love life. I love it's heavens and I love it's hells.

SUMMER!

I have no idea what day it is. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday?

I've been so tired and out of it all week long I feel like I can barely function like a normal human being.

However! It is officially summer, finally. The "June gloom" is all over and done with and it has been so sunny and hot and summery.

And so far my itinerary for summer has been going great.

As much sun time and drinking as possible.

I got a little sunburn yesterday and Anna and I got tipsy by the pool. And I read all day. Then Adj came over and we lazed around and watched movies and feel asleep early.

such good start to summer!

bahahaha

Some days you really just have to sit back and have a good hearty laugh about how ironic life can be.

It seems like everytime I try to do something productive or responsible for my life it backfires.

I have such bad luck (or maybe just bad financial responsibility) with tickets and my ridiculous car.

It's okay though. 

I can either be really upset and stressed out about the fact that I'm so fucked right now.

Or I can just laugh about it. Because inevitably, there isn't a whole lot I can do right now except for what I'm already doing.

I can pay all tickets on time from now on, and pay off all my bills as soon as possible.

and that is about it. O yeah, and not get tickets ever again.

So fuck for that.

But yay for life still being great. Because I want it to be. and it is. 

Summer Drink:

Mojitos! 

Get ready summer fun because we are going to drink a ridiculous amount of mojitos.

mmmmhm.

Something More.

I rush to greet new experience with shaky hands and words that tumble out so fast they are barely coherent (my zeal gives me away. Gives away the passion and energy that is so often unfocused, but always there. Always reaching and reaching for more ways to connect to learn to grow to understand. Sometimes this passion gets misdirected, misconstrued, lost, and finds me overwhelmed and paralyzed. But it is there and always growing.)

I shiver and shake to explore any aspect of life that I've yet to know.

and sometimes the choices we make, the experiences we meet, result in exquisite pain. yet that doesn't make me believe that I should regret any life event I've had, any new moment that I'm blessed to live through.

I may have moments where the weight of terror seems too much to bare, where the sound of doom gets louder and louder, but I survive. I always survive. 

Infinite being, you, who is too great to conceptualize, beat this fear and paralysis to nothingness.

I want to face myself and others with pure honesty, with integrity.

I do not live by the law of apathy. 

This is why I fight.

This is why I struggle.

Oh peace, so brilliant, so bright, come greet me for a few moments, I implore.

I will not hate myself for being in the desert. I will not fault myself for crawling, dusty and blinded, because I know I am pulling myself toward higher knowledge. If knowledge of nothing else but myself.

I drag myself toward wisdom.

I will not dwell on the desolation I see and feel, but dwell on the hope that these times will pass. They always pass. 

I am grateful for each moment of my life that I've lived thus far, and I am so grateful for each new moment that is sure to come.

something.

I scratch at the surface of everything

trying to dig my way to something

somewhere

that makes any sense

I want to believe that my life has purpose

that these tears will dry and 

not show for a while

that this fear

this overwhelming

powerful fear

will go into hiding for a time

I want to smile and believe 

that there is power in it

laugh and believe

that joy is spilling from me

maybe leaking onto someone else

who needs it

I believe in life

I believe in me

I believe in you

I believe in love

but belief doesn't make this torment go away

doesn't make this desperation quiet

So I will let it pass

I will fight my way through it

I will continue to believe

that there is hope 

and goodness

and meaning

I will not let myself become bitter

hardened

I will not cover my feelings

and run away from them until

I'm not even sure the truth

of what I'm feeling or who

I am.

I will face it all and I will become stronger

and wiser

and able to love more

beautifully.

These things I have faith in.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

pixelated.

i feel so isolated

and as i look at her concerned face

a face i've seen daily for over a year

i see unfamiliarity everywhere

my eyes dart from left

to right

to make sure the walls

are still surrounding me

she sits closer

my head on her shoulder

as tears leak

onto my awkward hand

hanging between my face

and shoulder

this fear distorts colors and

makes lover

seem so far away

everything is in squares

like a graph paper of my life

only i see the lines between each square so perfectly

recognizing that the pieces of everything

are so feebly linked together

In LA

it's not out of the ordinary for a homeless man drinking a beer to walk up to you, point at you, and pour half of his can out on the ground between the two of you. Then wink and walk away.

New experience.

Uncharted territory.

Always valuabable education.

While the boyfriend is away...

...try on all his clothes like it's a Macy's going out of business sale...

SCORE!

Divided

Time passes
and I hang on to his coattails
as he races from one sunset
to the next

I wake up next to you
and then suddenly
I am waking up
alone

I race to beat him
as I speed
or crawl
along the highway
to where you are

I wake up next to you
and then suddenly
I am waking up
alone

We walk hand in hand
at noon
looking for ways to pass the time
then suddenly
I am walking alone
arms crossed
looking for ways to pass the time

I sit across from you
with coffee or tea
to talk of things that are going on
in our minds
in our lives
then suddenly
I'm sitting across from no one
with coffee or tea
and my mind
my life
is somewhere else

I am divided

I wait

wait

wait

for infinite mornings with you.

Aldous Huxley- The Doors of Perception

Fantastic.

"We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves."

"Who cares what his feelings are? Can't he pay attention to something else?" (His reaction to a composer's work while on mescalin)

"The fear...was of being overwhelmed, of distinegrating under a pressure of reality greater than a mind, accustomed to living most of the time in a cozy world of symbols, could possibly bear."

(He writes about the Mind at Large, which means that our senses are attuned to all things that are happening in the world at once, but since we are animals our survival instincts kick in and we are no longer a mind at large, but we see reality through a tunnel, only the necessary information is recieved by our brains, in order for us to function in the world. He believes mescalin opens up that tunnel and allows us to use our senses in a way closer to the original Mind at Large.)

"...But it is actually we, the rich and highly educated whites, who have left ourselves bare behind. We cover our anterior nakedness with some philosophy- christian, marxian, freudo-physicalist- but abaft we remain uncovered, at the mercy of all the winds of circumstance."

"...supplementing the fig leaf of a theology with the breechclout of transcendental experience."

(of the Indians who used Peyote as religion rather than churches and theology. Looked down upon by most of society and other religions, but Huxley writes that they are EXPERIENCING a religion, through mescalin and the doors it opens and the refinement of perception, rather than having knowledge about a theology without any experience behind it.)

The beginning of the essay is mostly a guide through his experience with mescalin and the different ways he saw things or thought about things, but I especially liked the end when he started talking about how people are constantly striving to find something to get them into a deeper level of "reality" or something to give them a different perspective. In this country that escape is mostly found with alcohol and tobacco. It's really interesting to me that in the 50's when he wrote this essay he was trying to communicate that mescalin is a safer and more socially beneficial way of reaching a higher level of perspective than alcohol or tobacco.

Overall, my favorite thing about this essay and Aldous Huxley is that he was a man who wanted to transcend into a more spiritual way of living as well as still being a functioning, healthy member of a social system. 

I haven't felt this way in a long time.

I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do.

I'm alone and I feel so afraid in my own head.

I don't know how to do anything right now, I'm too weak to do anything anyway.

How do I move forward, how do I stop being so afraid?

why do I think I'm going to die soon?

PUKEPUKE

Why is that thin line that stretches between two people so fragile? I think it's current is strong and able to withstand but our hands are so weak and tempted to let go so easily. Or maybe it's just mine. Maybe love is a challenge, holding on is a challenge, because I'm scared that when all is said and done and the clock has made it's rotations day after day, I'll be the only one holding on.
So many circumstances to determine the outcome of two hearts combined.
I'm always the one to drop the line and run as hard and far as I can.
So proud, and so afraid.
I look in his eyes and all I want is to be part of them. All I want is to crawl inside those pools and swim around until I'm all mermaid and all him and whole.
I'm not looking for someone, for him, to make me a complete human being; I know that I am already a complete human being because I am flesh and brain and heart and no matter what I lack, I will be wholly who I am until I die.
But I always want to be strong, and I always want to be certain, unafraid, unaffected, and I think that's why love is so strange to me.
Can I show you when I'm scared? Can I tell you that I'm terrified? Will that scare you away? Will that be ugly to you, will the insecurity turn you off and turn you away?
I want to love you hard. I want to love you until you make me stop. But I'm afraid if you know that, you'll ask me to stop.
I'm afraid that one day it will be over.
and I don't want it to be over.
And I don't want to think about these things, I don't want these fears to exist (I want to be so sure and sturdy, but I guess I'm not)
I'm okay with being afraid, but I don't want to be afraid of you. I've never wanted to keep anything in tact, ever.
All I've ever done is tear apart anything I've ever built. Burned bridges and built new ones to burn them down too.
I've held the belief for so long that nothing can ever ever ever last. besides love, anything. I suck out the beauty in everything because I know someday it won't be beautiful anymore. I talk about everything I think because I know that someday I won't remember these thoughts.
I have no faith in the longevity of anything, which is why now I get hit so hard with fear, lying in bed and wanting nothing more than to squeeze the life out of you, squeeze the beauty and soak it up.
I don't want this love to be fickle
or fleeting
and I don't want to ever let go.
and I get angry at the power your love has over me, the range of emotions it takes me through.
I get mad and I let the thought linger on the tip of my tongue "Love doesn't exist. I hate love."
But I don't say it. It won't come out.
because I know I don't believe it, and I know it's not true.
It's so real.
It's reality is the only thing I see these days. I see you standing in my mind and I want to push that image away and replace it with something that makes me feel less vulnerable, less small and pathetic.

But I am vulnerable.
I'm small.
and I'm pathetic.

and I'm okay with all that as long as you love me and keep letting me love you.

I want to write something, but I don't know what to write.

I don't want to bitch about anything, even though I'm in a really bad mood today.

I don't want to get introspective and write about life and all it's glory or shittiness.

I just want to write something because I like to type and I like to see my own words in front of me.

But I'm sitting here blankly on my bed surveying the room (filth) and the day (not exciting) and I'm coming up with nothing.

the people just got home. I guess i'll see what they're up to.

It's funny to have a blog that no one reads.

On the Road

I just finished reading this. I'm so glad I've finally started giving classics a chance. Such a good read. It starts out a little slow and a little detailed but by the mid-end his detail is rich and there is so much emotion behind everything he is saying.

What to read next?

Too much time.

Driving is hell.

All the thoughts that stay repressed throughout the day with work,

love,

weed,

food,

music,

books,

writing,

friends,

etc,

etc,

etc,

come out while I'm on that 45 mile stretch of road from costa mesa to los angeles.

it's especially bad when i'm crawling along for two hours with all the other drivers crawling along beside me.

why is it always during this time that my brain seems to spit out as many negative and scary thoughts as possible?

I think maybe I'm just afraid.

Afraid of loving.

Afraid of dying.

Afraid of never being understood.

There are so many things I want and yet really

I just want to be able to come home to a safe place, a loving face

a warm spot to curl and uncurl 

and hide out from that terrifying world out there.

The reason I love this man.

Happy 420

brain attack

I woke up this morning and heard the theme song from HOUSE.
Timmy went to the shower and I went to the living room to start the day off right.
Of course, Jason put it on pause and asked me what's going on in my life.

u
g
h.

I hate those questions (especially at 830 in the morning) because I know how much bullshit comes out of my mouth every single time I try to answer it.

"I'm rethinking my decision to be an actor...blah blah blah..excuse..justification...bulllllshit."
"I'm rethinking religion." (not bullshit, actually. I'm just done with it.

I liked the conversation, though. Jas isn't a bullshitter and he hits the nail on the head and says it like it is.
He said I was making excuses and making acting an ideology so I don't have to feel bad about not pursuing it because I'm too stubborn and lazy to jump through the normal hoops or else figure out a way around them and do it my own way. True words. I don't know though, we'll see how it goes. I'm just going to start writing more and creating ideas and maybe getting together with people who have some good ideas as well. Maybe he can teach me a little bit about screen writing, since that's what he does.

I guess overall, talking to him made me realize that
1) I'm just such a bullshitter in every sense of the word
2) I want to be more of a realist and not an idealist
3) I really like Jason

Anyway,
on the way home I was thinking about an honest answer to the question, "So what's happening in your life, Erin?" and I think the appropriate response for the moment would be:

"I'm trying as hard as I can to get my car repossesed. I'm in love with a boy who I think is the greatest. I don't know what I believe about god. I'm on a quest for as many drug induced experiences as I can have. I'm working. And I'm fantasizing about traveling the country and the world."

I mean, what else can I say. I don't know what my goals are, other than making sure I see timmy at least once a week. I don't know what I'm truly doing, except enjoying each moment as they come. I don't know what I believe, except that experiences are everything.

But I do know that I want to make sure I'm keeping my head above the water as far as my own fantasy world is concerned. I don't want to chase freedom so hard that I look down one day and find it tied around my ankles.

treasure days

forget about sunny days and cleaning parties
i'm talking about life
and all it's treasures
i'm talking
wall art and curtain hanging
i'm talking about your face in the mirror and my hands waving back

forget about cigarettes and spilled
mimosas
i'm talking about the chatter
that fills the night sky
as we sit and delay the fresh air
from hitting our smoked out
lungs

forget about happiness
and giggles
i'm talking about the
endless
laughter and times of overwhelming
joy

joy

joy

forget about me
i'm talking about
you

you

you

rainbow day

crystalized matter surrounds me

i look out and see prisms

prisms in your eyes

prisms in the sun

rainbows of what was

and what is

and what is going to be

i can't break this yet

because these prisms are so bright

and i'm basking

and touching

and glowing

in the rainbows of what was

what is

and what is going to be.

just rambles.

This is the miserable part. Everything inside me NEEDS to write...everything in my brain, heart, body, it all wants to push out. It wants to process. It wants to rest.
Too much good.
Too much hope.
Too much everything not to write.
But it's so hard. This resistance is vicious. It's only 6 19 and I'd rather do anything than write...but really...that's so untrue.
I want to write until my fingers bleed, until my wrists are broken, until I go blind. I want to write until I have a stack of papers so thick that I can't even carry it.
But I don't know what to say.
I don't know what I feel, other than completely overwhelmed with joy...and therefore, fear.
These miniature panic attacks when everything is perfect. What the fuck is that all about?
How is it that I can be having the time of my life, and panic strikes for a minute, forcing in thoughts of misery and unhappiness?
Is that just the human condition? Not truly comfortable unless I'm somehow unhappy?
But oh how happy I am. This happiness reaches into every pore of my body and I'm flooded and blinded and sailing and falling and I'm not even sure where I am, so disoriented because of this happiness.
I don't want to over glorify life, though. I don't want to be unaware of the fact that things are going to suck sometimes, and that's okay.
And maybe that's where the fear comes in, knowing that at some point, sometime, probably even sometime soon, I'll cry. Or hurt. Or just be upset or disturbed for no reason at all.
I dread those moments. I dread moments of dispair, and as I dread them...I get a taste of it. Of the moment that I might be secretly summoning just so that I don't have to wait anymore.
I'm still looking absently around and fiddling with my phone, just to avoid this. To avoid the flow of emotions and thoughts that I know will instantly relieve me when they're out of me.
I think of other things I could be doing: reading, laundry, movie, smoking, napping, anything but this. And this..this...this...is what I really want to do..what I want to do all day every day.
It's the only tangible thing in life that fills me.
oh.
and love.
Love came again. And this time just destroyed me. Destroyed.
I want to love him with everything I have. But what if I don't have enough? What has caused me such discontent in the past? Was it just never the right time?
I never want it to stop being the right time with him. I never want to run away from him. And yet I've said all this before, I've loved before.
And I love again.
And I guess that's all I can do...is to keep giving it. To keep receiving it. To keep spending ridiculous days with him and smiling and laughing and being so sickeningly in love that everyone else and us included want to puke all over everything.
okay.

my life just keeps getting better.

i love dance parties.

so

so

so

much.

and now san diego with chrissy bear.

loooooooooooooooooooooove.

this is the first bit of alone time i've had for days. part of me loves it and part of me hates it.

this tiny room is so filled with smoke that my lungs can barely stand it.

my head is so filled with thoughts that i'm not sure what to do with them all.

i'm in love with him in a way that i only understand when i look in his eyes.

blinded.

The decision about my jobs ended up being made for me.

Riley's fired me.

For wearing leggings to work. I don't think that needs any further explanation.

This has been the best and worst week of my life.

So tired. so stressed. so malnourished. so disorganized. so under/over slept. so irresponsible.

And yet...I wouldn't give up one second for anything.

Yes, I may have been fired. 

But who the fuck cares. I want to travel anyway. And I still have habana...regardless of the fact that I make no money there. 

It's all okay.

It's all perfect.

hot mess.

I'm feeling really weird today.
It might have to do with the fact that I slept for another 14 hours last night. I'm turning into baby bear.
I can't do anything right today. It's actually pretty amusing. I put my coffee cup in the basket at cvs and spilled coffee all over my not yet purchased items. ah well.

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm going to quit habana, or not. If I'm being honest there isn't one ounce of me that wants to stay there, minus the fact that I'm being persuaded to (that feels nice, right?). I'm just too disorganized to work 7 days a week and get all the other shit done that I need to get done. What's the point in actually having the money to pay my bills if I'm constantly forgetting to pay them?

So, yes, for the 4th time, I'm going to go into habana tomorrow with the plan of telling them I'm done. This time I hope it works.

I mean, working 7 days a week really just makes me want to get as fucked up as possible on the afternoons that I'm not working.
Last night was fun, though. Sebastian, Ben, and I decided to take a little salvia trip. Nothing too intense, we mixed it with pot. It was fun...ended with us laying in a circle on the bed and passing out at 9 pm. Needed it.

I really don't like not having time to evaluate my own thoughts. I have no fucking idea whats going on in my head right now. It's just a jumble of work, friends, tim, life, exploration, and exhaustion...but it's just a jumble. Nothing decipherable.

Time to get ready for work again.

yes.

and here i sit

almost 11

what the fuck is wrong with me

i'm such a joke tonight

(that's why i'm laughing)

so i'm going to do what i should have done...ohhh...

3 hours ago..

and put to use my belated valentine gift.

it's huge...pink...(and no, not a dildo).

and joe just walked in so

-yes! at last...boredom ceased, and friends galore.

let's get this party started.

flush it out.

It feels wrong to stir this pot of emotions, tonight being painful ones,

with all the good that i've experienced lately.

i don't want to ignore it though.

i want to face my problems, fears, insecurities, issues, etc face on, as soon as they arise.

and here it is.

anger.

mother. why.

father. where are you.

brother. does it hurt. does it make your married legs feel shaky and suddenly unsure.

for so long we've brushed under the rug, under the rug. out the door if we can. vacuum it up or throw it away, I don't care as long as I don't have to see it. as long as the dirt is far from my view, as long as it doesn't touch my hands. 

and i tried to dirty you up. i tried to show you my own dirtiness, but even that you ignored. i tried to fight, i even attacked...but there was never a sign of recognition in your eyes. 

i'd never purposely hurt a baby. and that's what you were all those years. a baby. unable to fight back. unable to acknowledge. and Lord how I tried. Lord how i pushed you. how i prodded. how i egged you on and picked at your flaws. and maybe that wasn't the way to go about it. 

now you decide to pull your stick out of the pile. you don't have to watch ours fall around you because you figure we're all down anyway. far enough to not feel the repercussions.

never far enough, mommy dear. 

i'm closer now than before but it doesn't make a difference.

new relationships start, old ones end, and thats the way you see it. where does that leave me, mommy. 

why didn't our family ever matter enough? 

why wasn't my father good enough to be loved by you?

i can't call him,

i can't stand to hear his voice.

he's been distant for so long now, anyway...

isn't he completely shut off? Isn't that what happens when your love is constantly being handed back to you?

I don't even think he cares anymore...

but i care.

i'm over it, i guess.

but i care.

you're my mother.

and he's my father.

and that's my brother.

and i don't think you

him

or that

give a fuck about

us.

we were never an us.

at least now there's no fantasy to hide behind. 

at least now there will be no more awkward christmases and hostile reunions.

at least now 

i don't have to watch my father get rejected

again and again

but mommy

i love you so much

do you even feel 

it.

erin anderson and the love babes.

so i'm obsessed.

with the 60's.

those new years.

those new drugs.

those belly laughs.

those spiritual awakenings.

i'm obsessed.

with the 60's.

and with

my life.

one minute.

my cigarette ash grows and bends

like the tower of pisa

it falls over and only

the bright, burning

red

is left over,

the remains of the old, crumbled building

i look up from the ash

and see that i am leaning too,

like the old tower of pisa

over and into the crack between our beds

blankets wrapping around

and cushioning my body

like soft black clouds

the smoke curls out the window 

and touches the wind,

making it tangible

showing its path as the smoke

drifts out 

and back in again

sound pierces my ear and i look

for a remote

a mute button

but realize that

those deafening tones

are hundreds of mixtures

of pure

silence

and tears well

and mouth quivers

and she looks over

as my eyes dart all around

and we sit still

as the sounds click and tap and buzz and

the room comes back to life

and the pounding of our hearts are once again

muffled

by the crackling frequency

of electricity.

www

i'm lonely but i don't care.

i told myself i'd get through this.

this being 

alone

ness.

i'm not literally alone.

almost always constantly surrounded. 

there is love to reach the sky and beyond.

but my heart still yearns. of course it does. it's a heart.

it still wants another heart. somebody to hold sometimes.

words get so heavy, they get caught in my throat and sometimes i just have nothing to say. 

but i don't want just anybody, and thats why i'm ok with this loneliness.

i'm changing.

dramatically.

reality doesn't make much sense anymore.

and i want someone to climb into my reality with me for a little bit and not ask me to change it.

this is my life.

My world is so bright. 

I closed my eyes yesterday for hours and hours and hours because finally I was becoming blinded.

I slept, I dreamt, I was quiet.

and now I'm refreshed.

I'm rejuvinated.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but love.

and how love has me on a wild ride right now.

and yet I'm not troubled by romance.

I'm not bothered by expectation or device.

It's a current and so many times in the past few weeks have I felt it rush into me with such force that my breath is swept away.

Such force that it exhausts me and I have to lay back on the couch and simply survey the scene around me.

There is love all around.

an abundance of it.

sweet kisses and warm hugs and none of it 

perverted or twisted

to fit our every need.

but selfishness still creeps in and I have to hold my breath and close my eyes to keep myself from sucking in all the beauty I can get.

super puke sunday.

Maxden Daniel Anderson

I am so excited about my beautiful little nephew. I cannot wait to see him.

I don't understand why my letters are underlined and blue. It's annoying. stooop it.

I don't want to go to work today, sundays always scare the shit out of me. There are too many people and I can't breathe. But going to work means soon it will be over and then I get to have sunday funday with Andy Panda and Banana boo. 

And then Monday funday with Chaseroo and Bennybi.

So I just have to get through screaming fans, cardinals, steelers, beer, chaos, panic attacks, and the like and then

:o)

happy lil girl

I had my first day at Habana today. It is such a cool feeling to work with my best friend. it makes me 

HAPPY.

and also.

male models like to wear dove.  Why?

and,

andy is my fave.

plus-

la la land tonight with banana and the boys.

:o)

perky worker.

I've been such a restless, bored, hippity hoppity spaz the last couple of days. 

I'm bouncing from one thought to the other, forgetting what I was doing as soon as I start trying to do it, not wanting to sit still or have a minute to myself, pacing, not being able to hold my concentration on one thing for too long.

It's a little frustrating, I want to just be peaceful and content in whatever moment I'm in. I don't want to constantly be searching for the next thing to fill a need in me. I'm craving everything lately: fun, people, experience, education, information, serotonin, food, drink, smoke, words, quiet, noise, exersize, laziness, sleep, wake, cleanliness, dirtiness, comedy, drama, logic, and insanity.

 

I'm on this crazy roller coaster that has so many dips and turns and my head kind of hurts and I'm a little nauseous, but I just want to keep going. Because I'm having so much fun. 

Anyway. This morning Kitch, Joe, and I painted with watercolors while watching across the universe. It was definitely the highlight of my day. It was so enjoyable. That movie really is insane. The visuals. The message. The characters. Uggggh. I actually think I might go out and rent a movie. I'm not sure why I've been so opposed to spending any time alone lately. It might be good for me to chill out by myself apart from sleeping. 

Also, I've gone the entire day without a cigarette and I feel GREAT. I am so excited that I finally made the decision to be healthy. And with the vaporizer on the way, I'm going to be healthier all around in my smoking habits.

Now I just need to get to the chiropractor and figure out what is going on with my bones. Anna thinks I might be growing. That would be weird.

Oh, and I am officially a person with two jobs.

I'm a working girl.

That means money and that means no more handouts from mommy.

yes.

Life.

It's a beautiful sunday.

I dropped Anna off at work this morning and caught myself mesmerized several times by my burning cigarette.

The smoke was dancing in a way I've never seen it before. It was twirling off the ash and waving into the wind. 

I inhaled and the wave continued down into my lungs and stomach, and my heart pounded against my ribcage like the white foam crashing down on the shore.

This cough won't go away, and I know I shouldn't be smoking. It's only getting worse. I'm hacking my lungs out all day long. 

I just want to read lately. Read everything. I want to devour new information. I want to go to barnes and noble for hours and walk out with words and ideas and stories flashing through my brain. It's not that I'm stagnant lately, it's the exact opposite. My experiences are piling and growing and lifting me into places I've never been before. Peace, calm, fun. 

The fun doesn't seem to stop. Always fun. Always laughing and adventuring. There are so many things I want to see. I'm constantly chasing this bouncy ball from one fun room to another.

Game box. Inside the toy box, inside the game.

I can't shut my gaping mouth. 

jeepers creepers.

Anna and I drove by a pet cemetery yesterday. Other than the movie, I've never actually seen one before.

It kind of creeped me out on the idea of owning pets.

The thought of buying a piece of land and a gravestone for a cat, dog, goldfish, bunny, iguana, hampster, snake, or any other non-human companion seems a tiny bit weird and creepy. 

And on the other hand, the thought of loving a loyal pet for years and years and then simply throwing it at a veterinarian to dispose of seems homicidal and heartless.

So now the idea of owning a pet at all just gives me the creeps. I don't think I can do it, ever. 

Yeah, think about it. We want something to love at all times, something to cuddle with and kiss and talk to and it never has to talk back. They look at you like you're a crazy lady whenever you talk to them or try to get their attention. Yeah, sometimes they're nice to have around, and can sense your emotions, and all that yadda yadda..but I'm not convinced that owning pets isn't a bit narcissistic and controlling. 

And a huge hassle, on top of that.

Not that I'm an animal hater. I love animals. But I love them in their natural environment. I like them in the wild. I like when they can hunt and play and don't have to eat canned fish and poop in a box.

lady brilliance.

Helter sKelter.

sweet, sweet life.

I think it's important for me to take a second to acknowledge how amazing my life is.

It's not perfect, but it's so close.

I wake up every morning praising God that it's another beautiful day...taking turns making coffee and breakfast, and having serious dance parties while getting ready for the day.

This morning Anna made amazing breakfast burritos, and we put on some funk music and danced.

Now I'm working out again with wine bottles and across the universe.

<3333

uhm.?

I'm simultaneously smoking

chatting online

and working out.

I'm not sure how my life works.

reflections

it's good to feel beautiful

when you're alone

when you're not sitting

in front of a mirror

because then you know that

you're just seeing

and feeling

what's inside

and it's good.

future.

when i'm sitting here alone

is when i feel it

like the strongest current

like the gust of wind

like the lake i wouldn't have driven past

had i not been sad

i feel it like a heat

like a picture show in my head

i feel

that it will happen

to me.

baby birdy mamuh

like a mama bird,

i want to take you under

my wing, baby bird

i want to protect you from all

your sad thoughts

i want to smash your

glass boxes

the way you smashed your

windshield

because my team is losing

playing against yourself

you will never

win.

agape

Something new and terrifying has been going on in my head.

Only at certain times and I push, push, push it away as fast as I can.

My mind is rebelling against God. Parts of me that are loving this rebellious streak I've been on have taken off running and I'm scrambling to bring them back.

They're wandering off on the path of what if. What if it's not real. What if this is all really just a manmade lie lie lie. I'll think about God, I'll try to pray to make it go away and those little rebels in my head slap my clasped hands apart and grab my face and turn it from heaven.

But I'm still holding on with all I have to this scrap of faith. Now, inside of this doubt, this kind of doubt that I've never, ever had is my burning coal of faith. Just one coal, burning from the inside, dimming and lighting with each new gust of wind.

Because I know. I'll always know and it'll never leave me. As this was forming in my brain, as they were pushing God away and pulling my beliefs into the air, I let my mind entertain the possibility. Of nothing. Of still life, no god. I let myself magically wave him gone for a second.

And as I did that I tried to feel love. I tried to feel a single emotion toward another human being, and I couldn't. It was gone. I tried to imagine living my life as an athiest, but still having the moral beliefs I carry. Still wanting to love with everything I have in me. And not that I think I'd be incapable of being a decent human being without a belief in God, but it just.wasn't.possible. I couldn't feel TRUE LOVE, toward the human race without God being inseparable from it. 

The concept of love doesn't exist for me apart from God. And I think that's part of the reason my mind had to wander away for a second, so that I could get somewhat of a clearer view of this thing called love, and what it means to love another human being.

I'm boring myself.

I started my new job last night. I am ever so thankful that:

1) I will finally have income!

2) It's in long beach

3) I like the bar and the way it's run

4) so far everyone there seems really chill

All that makes me a happy girl. I finally have a little bit of stability in my life. 

The Santa Ana's are blowing up a storm. The trees are going crazy out there.

I just finished making a collage. I think it's cute. 

I can't seem to find a steady stream of thoughts. I'm all over the place man.

dude.

mandude.

I really want to be able to write. I haven't written anything of importance for a while. I want to write a book, but I have no idea how. I suppose I could just start writing and see what comes of it. 

Somebody put my number on craigslist and I am 

ANGRY.

calls and voicemails and anger and death!