agape

Something new and terrifying has been going on in my head.

Only at certain times and I push, push, push it away as fast as I can.

My mind is rebelling against God. Parts of me that are loving this rebellious streak I've been on have taken off running and I'm scrambling to bring them back.

They're wandering off on the path of what if. What if it's not real. What if this is all really just a manmade lie lie lie. I'll think about God, I'll try to pray to make it go away and those little rebels in my head slap my clasped hands apart and grab my face and turn it from heaven.

But I'm still holding on with all I have to this scrap of faith. Now, inside of this doubt, this kind of doubt that I've never, ever had is my burning coal of faith. Just one coal, burning from the inside, dimming and lighting with each new gust of wind.

Because I know. I'll always know and it'll never leave me. As this was forming in my brain, as they were pushing God away and pulling my beliefs into the air, I let my mind entertain the possibility. Of nothing. Of still life, no god. I let myself magically wave him gone for a second.

And as I did that I tried to feel love. I tried to feel a single emotion toward another human being, and I couldn't. It was gone. I tried to imagine living my life as an athiest, but still having the moral beliefs I carry. Still wanting to love with everything I have in me. And not that I think I'd be incapable of being a decent human being without a belief in God, but it just.wasn't.possible. I couldn't feel TRUE LOVE, toward the human race without God being inseparable from it. 

The concept of love doesn't exist for me apart from God. And I think that's part of the reason my mind had to wander away for a second, so that I could get somewhat of a clearer view of this thing called love, and what it means to love another human being.