PUKEPUKE

Why is that thin line that stretches between two people so fragile? I think it's current is strong and able to withstand but our hands are so weak and tempted to let go so easily. Or maybe it's just mine. Maybe love is a challenge, holding on is a challenge, because I'm scared that when all is said and done and the clock has made it's rotations day after day, I'll be the only one holding on.
So many circumstances to determine the outcome of two hearts combined.
I'm always the one to drop the line and run as hard and far as I can.
So proud, and so afraid.
I look in his eyes and all I want is to be part of them. All I want is to crawl inside those pools and swim around until I'm all mermaid and all him and whole.
I'm not looking for someone, for him, to make me a complete human being; I know that I am already a complete human being because I am flesh and brain and heart and no matter what I lack, I will be wholly who I am until I die.
But I always want to be strong, and I always want to be certain, unafraid, unaffected, and I think that's why love is so strange to me.
Can I show you when I'm scared? Can I tell you that I'm terrified? Will that scare you away? Will that be ugly to you, will the insecurity turn you off and turn you away?
I want to love you hard. I want to love you until you make me stop. But I'm afraid if you know that, you'll ask me to stop.
I'm afraid that one day it will be over.
and I don't want it to be over.
And I don't want to think about these things, I don't want these fears to exist (I want to be so sure and sturdy, but I guess I'm not)
I'm okay with being afraid, but I don't want to be afraid of you. I've never wanted to keep anything in tact, ever.
All I've ever done is tear apart anything I've ever built. Burned bridges and built new ones to burn them down too.
I've held the belief for so long that nothing can ever ever ever last. besides love, anything. I suck out the beauty in everything because I know someday it won't be beautiful anymore. I talk about everything I think because I know that someday I won't remember these thoughts.
I have no faith in the longevity of anything, which is why now I get hit so hard with fear, lying in bed and wanting nothing more than to squeeze the life out of you, squeeze the beauty and soak it up.
I don't want this love to be fickle
or fleeting
and I don't want to ever let go.
and I get angry at the power your love has over me, the range of emotions it takes me through.
I get mad and I let the thought linger on the tip of my tongue "Love doesn't exist. I hate love."
But I don't say it. It won't come out.
because I know I don't believe it, and I know it's not true.
It's so real.
It's reality is the only thing I see these days. I see you standing in my mind and I want to push that image away and replace it with something that makes me feel less vulnerable, less small and pathetic.

But I am vulnerable.
I'm small.
and I'm pathetic.

and I'm okay with all that as long as you love me and keep letting me love you.