flush it out.

It feels wrong to stir this pot of emotions, tonight being painful ones,

with all the good that i've experienced lately.

i don't want to ignore it though.

i want to face my problems, fears, insecurities, issues, etc face on, as soon as they arise.

and here it is.

anger.

mother. why.

father. where are you.

brother. does it hurt. does it make your married legs feel shaky and suddenly unsure.

for so long we've brushed under the rug, under the rug. out the door if we can. vacuum it up or throw it away, I don't care as long as I don't have to see it. as long as the dirt is far from my view, as long as it doesn't touch my hands. 

and i tried to dirty you up. i tried to show you my own dirtiness, but even that you ignored. i tried to fight, i even attacked...but there was never a sign of recognition in your eyes. 

i'd never purposely hurt a baby. and that's what you were all those years. a baby. unable to fight back. unable to acknowledge. and Lord how I tried. Lord how i pushed you. how i prodded. how i egged you on and picked at your flaws. and maybe that wasn't the way to go about it. 

now you decide to pull your stick out of the pile. you don't have to watch ours fall around you because you figure we're all down anyway. far enough to not feel the repercussions.

never far enough, mommy dear. 

i'm closer now than before but it doesn't make a difference.

new relationships start, old ones end, and thats the way you see it. where does that leave me, mommy. 

why didn't our family ever matter enough? 

why wasn't my father good enough to be loved by you?

i can't call him,

i can't stand to hear his voice.

he's been distant for so long now, anyway...

isn't he completely shut off? Isn't that what happens when your love is constantly being handed back to you?

I don't even think he cares anymore...

but i care.

i'm over it, i guess.

but i care.

you're my mother.

and he's my father.

and that's my brother.

and i don't think you

him

or that

give a fuck about

us.

we were never an us.

at least now there's no fantasy to hide behind. 

at least now there will be no more awkward christmases and hostile reunions.

at least now 

i don't have to watch my father get rejected

again and again

but mommy

i love you so much

do you even feel 

it.