changes.

Okay. That last one was just a test to see if it would stop me from "publishing" yet another post.

Okay, here we go.

I want to throw myself down on my bed and cry and scream and throw a tantrum.

And I wish, like when I was a kid, it would make everything bad go away.

But it doesn't. It never does anymore. You can't just sweep things under the rug and hope the dust doesn't build up and hope the bills go away and that things just...disappear.

I can't seem to get a grasp. I mean, I can...and I have been. faith has been implemented a lot more and so has trust. but my brain still leaps back into that space where I just freak myself out.

Nothing no one and no where feels like home anymore. I don't know that anything ever did. I think I've been searching for "home" my whole life...maybe that's why I left mine as soon as I could. In search of something that worked better. And now that home that I left is looking a lot more appealing lately. Being with my brother and new sister. Being able to help take care of a baby and maybe just lead a simpler life. 

Why is that what I want now? A simple life. No more chasing after all this triviality. I hate L.A. I hate the lifestyle that people pursue when they're here. I hate the fakeness. I hate the complexity. I hate how lost everyone here is. Like chickens running around with their heads cut off. I don't want to be like that.

I thought I did.

I thought I could handle this lifestyle.

I thought I could handle the rat race.

And I don't necessarily think that I couldn't handle it, but maybe that I don't want to.

And all this makes me feel weak.

It makes me feel like I'm choosing to be Mary fucking homemaker instead. Which ISN'T what I want, I just want...some valuable, something meaningful, something amazing. 

Not something that is just going to leave me empty. Something that is going to leave me alone. Selfish. Lost. I want to stop that now. I want to control my own life. I want to control my own happiness, and not let these hollywood fuckers do it.

and that's that.

I want to move to a small, eclectic city, sell my car and buy a bike, and live as simply as I can. And learn as much as I can.

and be as much as i can.