somebody find me a damn cigarette

I want a cigarette so badly right now.

I've wanted one all day.

This morning as I wrapped the towel around my body I thought how amazing it would be to smoke a cigarette while I was getting ready for the day like edie.

just the thought of a cigarette dangling out of my mouth as I put on some eyeliner completely turns me on.

Gettin there.

The more unclear my future becomes, the more clear I become about one thing:

I'm always going to be unclear about the future. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to have that much control, and I don't think I'd ever want it anyway.

It's so much more valuable to enjoy each moment. Each conversation. Each mistake, even.

I had a great weekend. Regardless of any little detail that might've fucked it up, it was great.

I've been busy and I've been engaged and I've been just. freaking. living. 

without over thinking every damn detail. 

Yesterday was Anna's 22nd birthday. I got her an amazing outfit and we spent an amazing day in San Diego. Stoney all day long.

It was swell.

And now I'm going to have another swell day. regardless.

reality.

Traditionally, routinely, in all that is erin fashion, I pattern my mistakes.

The timeline shows the archs and bends and dips and straight lines in my life, and the graph depicts it perfectly.

I loop around and back again and each mistake is different and detrimental in it's own way, and so very necessary.

I look for these rabbit holes to jump in, I bite around the edges of my stacked lunchable and I imagine they're like the cookies in Alice in Wonderland.

Up, up, up and away. Bumping the ceiling and then breaking through. Into the skies, above the tree tops. How did I get here? 

A few more nibbles around the edges, even out the ham and cheese, and there I go.

Shrinking back down to earth, and now under it, a blade of grass shading my face from the sun.

These silly adventures I allow myself to go on. I used to look at these jaunts through the woods as hard blows down, beaten face, out for weeks. Now I see them for what they really are: reality checks. Here's your birth certificate, here's your thumbprints, the evidence shows that you are human Ms. Anderson. 

And here I am, in all my humanity. Here I am giggling in your scolding face, shrinking away from your lectures, breaking out of your bonds, and acquiring scratches on my feet and calves. 

Here I am asking you to be patient with me. Here I am beseeching your grace. 

I am running and ducking and climbing and trying to get through this and live this and breathe this, and be okay with it all. 

and still as i sit here in this tiny place with my light so faint,

I realize how big you are and how much a part of this you are. 

i want to sell my car.

Today

Today

I don't feel pretty

I don't feel secure

I don't feel stable

I don't feel whole

Today

I feel dangerous

destructive

angry

volcanic

this calm feels untrue

there is something under the

surface

that is waiting to come out

waiting to erupt

waiting to ruin

and I don't know what to do about that

let it happen

let it fester

let it explode

or is there something i can do

to stop the blow

stop the explosion

i don't think so.

Whew.

I think I'm finally learning a few things.

I deleted my myspace and facebook just now.

How pathetic is it that it felt SO good? 

online social networking.

it's become our culture.

and it's so very disturbing.

I'm moving on.

Okay.

I'm over it.

I'm such a stubborn little girl.

I want to hold onto my nuances even if they are detrimental to myself. I want to push the limits when I know there's a chance that it could push me over the edge. I want to destroy myself, even as I'm striving to become a person of value.

And maybe I speak these things into my life too frequently.

Being a "person of value"

living a "life that matters"

maybe it's about damn time for me to throw some of this out the window, in hopes that like a frisbee effect it will actually come to be. 

Maybe I just need to ease up on some of the pressure that I'm constantly putting on myself.

Maybe I need to look in the mirror instead of looking at the people all around me to gage my decisions and approve or disapprove.

I don't have to follow a formula for life. I hate that. I've never wanted a cookie cutter life. I've never wanted it to be predictable or perfect. And I've welcomed challenges. I've welcomed hard times if it means a chance for me to grow, a chance for me to become better.

But I can never become better if I'm just sitting here wishing to not BE anymore. Wishing for the hard times to go away. wishing I didn't feel pain. Didn't feel loneliness. I have to let these things be. I have to be okay with life being slow sometimes. With not knowing sometimes. With being a little unclear. 

God always manages to place some amazing people at my life in exactly the right times.

changes.

Okay. That last one was just a test to see if it would stop me from "publishing" yet another post.

Okay, here we go.

I want to throw myself down on my bed and cry and scream and throw a tantrum.

And I wish, like when I was a kid, it would make everything bad go away.

But it doesn't. It never does anymore. You can't just sweep things under the rug and hope the dust doesn't build up and hope the bills go away and that things just...disappear.

I can't seem to get a grasp. I mean, I can...and I have been. faith has been implemented a lot more and so has trust. but my brain still leaps back into that space where I just freak myself out.

Nothing no one and no where feels like home anymore. I don't know that anything ever did. I think I've been searching for "home" my whole life...maybe that's why I left mine as soon as I could. In search of something that worked better. And now that home that I left is looking a lot more appealing lately. Being with my brother and new sister. Being able to help take care of a baby and maybe just lead a simpler life. 

Why is that what I want now? A simple life. No more chasing after all this triviality. I hate L.A. I hate the lifestyle that people pursue when they're here. I hate the fakeness. I hate the complexity. I hate how lost everyone here is. Like chickens running around with their heads cut off. I don't want to be like that.

I thought I did.

I thought I could handle this lifestyle.

I thought I could handle the rat race.

And I don't necessarily think that I couldn't handle it, but maybe that I don't want to.

And all this makes me feel weak.

It makes me feel like I'm choosing to be Mary fucking homemaker instead. Which ISN'T what I want, I just want...some valuable, something meaningful, something amazing. 

Not something that is just going to leave me empty. Something that is going to leave me alone. Selfish. Lost. I want to stop that now. I want to control my own life. I want to control my own happiness, and not let these hollywood fuckers do it.

and that's that.

I want to move to a small, eclectic city, sell my car and buy a bike, and live as simply as I can. And learn as much as I can.

and be as much as i can.

This is stupid. Locking me out of my own blog.

What happened to the rights of all americans to write...what they want to write.

or something.

urgh.

feeling 15 again

It's not even the least bit comical how angry and homicidal the dmv makes me. I envisioned myself screaming

"FUCK YOU" 

at the lady behind the counter and throwing her stack of driving manuels across the room...

until she told me that I passed the test. 

Then I smiled and walked out of there and made myself not worry about the fact that I STILL have to get an official letter from the florida dmv stating that I have a valid licence or take the driver's test again (which would make me feel pathetic since I'm 22 years old and the last time I took the driving test I was 16. I'm just sooooo past that).

So for now I just have a permit. 

15 again? Please.

And still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

I've been applying for various nannying jobs and little odds and ends and this and thats and anything but having to be under the thumb of some corporate fucker. 

So yes. 

I'm feeling positive in spite of the cirumstances 

(the dmv hating my existence. Not having a job or any proper income. wondering wondering wondering freaking WONDERING.)

I just hope that I can feel like a contributing member to society someday soon.

I want to work.

I feel so creative. 

But I have no where to let it out.

I feel like working hard.

but I have nothing to work hard at.

I want to be an entreprenuer but I don't even think I know how to spell the word.

Am I just a lazy piece of shit?

It shouldn't be this hard to make a pay check.

I just can't stand the thought of being an employee, I really can't. 

I want to work at something I can be proud of.

I want to work on a project.

I want something I can really invest in.

I don't want to stand behind a counter or file papers or fold clothes.

What do I do with all these desires and all this energy?

my muscles are sore from not using them

and my brain is slow

from lack 

of stimulation.