Shit man.

Every time I'm feeling tremendously great something stupid comes along and pushes me over.

and because I'm feeling so great, I feel like I shouldn't be so easily pushed.

I just have to ask sometimes why things are the way they are. Why life happens the way it happens.

Why things have to be ignored and neglected until finally one day everything falls apart.

Until you come home and find that your brother is still the same person, except now he's married and expecting a son.

That your parents still aren't in love. Except now divorce is in the horizon.

I don't know. Is this what irony is? 

Needing my family so bad. Wanting nothing more than the comfort of my mom, dad, and brother.

Coming back and things are so different. Everything is about to fall apart. It's not looking good.

Poor Melissa. Poor Max. Poor Dad.

I feel like my brother mom and I should just start a little club called the fuck ups. We are so confused. All of us. We're a little triangle of confusion. And why?

Why is it like this? Why do I feel like there is no where to go? I literally have nothing right now, and even as I type that I know it isn't true. I have to keep remembering my own words- part of the journey, part of the journey, part of the journey. It's all part of the journey.

I just wish at this point in my journey I was sitting on Andy's couch with Anna and beef getting stoney. 

And I'm glad she's happy...so glad she's happy. I just wish I were happy with her. I just wish that I didn't have to be on the other end of the line feeling so lost and mixed up.

Is that what happens when your mom tells you she might divorce your dad? Just fucking do it already! This is the second time in my life divorce has come into play, why can't you just fucking do it!

And here I am, having to keep my mouth zippered, because no one else knows. She doesn't even know if she's going to do it. Or maybe she does and she just didn't want to tell me yet. 

Fuck. Okay. I am going to continue to be strong. I am going to keep pushing forward. This is life. Shitty and wonderful and confusing and it's going to be okay. 

All of a sudden January seems forever away.