Gone far away.

And all of a sudden here I am.

I'm barely aware of how I got here, 18 hours, 1000 miles away. Different climate, different people, different me?

I kept saying I felt like I was in a bad dream, and I did. No nightmare had ever been so terrifying, and of course, this was reality.

smoke smoke stoney to keep the tears back and then

panic.

everything was fuzzy, nothing made sense, and I've never wanted to die so badly before.

The next morning, the sun was so bright and I just kept wishing for a way to make it go away. Call him and tell him to miss his flight. Have him  fly down anyway and stay for a couple of days, see California, and then leave...without me.

But here I am still, no matter how much I tried to make it go away, un-do my decision.here.i.am.

These are the good things that are already coming out of this:

-I'm realizing how irresponsible I am. (Okay, I've known this for quite some time now, but this time I'm actually taking it into account and not making excuses).

-I realize how many bridges I burn. My life is spent burning bridges. This one could be it's own blog.

-I realize how fragile my mind and body are, and how neglectful I have been of both.

-I realize that I cannot, under any circumstances, stop taking my medication.

-I realize that if I ever play with my molly again I must absolutely be prepared for the inevitable outcome. I must make sure I can handle it.

-I realize that I may come back and go to school in long beach.

Another great thing about being miserable is that almost every single thing aside from my misery is highly entertaining and causes me to giggle. 

-I also realize that I should not read books about drugs. 

this little girl loves to get in trouble.