fuckity fuck.

I've been doing everything I can to hold back tears all day.
Even while I was doing my hair this morning, a tear slipped out and I barely even noticed I was crying until I saw that my cheek was wet.
I even bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one after feeling so great for making it a week and a half.

This is just hard.
That's all there is to it.
It sucks. it sucks. it sucks sucks sucks.

Christmas has always been such a good day for me. It's always been about family, and mine has always been together for it. I don't even know if I'll be here this year. Just because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can sit around a tree with my family and know that this year will be the last. I just don't think I can do it.

So that'll leave me in California with no one on christmas. Which might be good. Maybe it'll give christmas a new spin for me.

Or maybe I'll be sitting under the same fake fucking tree we've had since I was 3 and watch my family fall apart.