yeah whaaaaat.

It feels good to break through some of the bars I have on myself.

Why do I allow myself to stress the way I do.

Why do I need to be perfect for...anybody?

It feels good though. 

To be able to communicate after feeling like my tongue is stuck to the top of my mouth.

To be able to look past and through and figure out what that really meant. What it means to not only me, but him. Because it means something and it's not all about me, or even partly. And I'm still here, hurting a little, and wondering what to do with some of my doubts, but ultimately-

i feel closer. and it's good to see a human be a human and me be okay with that.

humans being humans and souls existing in life

corpse.

hereditary

daddy

you gave me your eyes

and your money

and your brain

but you didn't show me how to use them

my eyes are sharp and once

would be inclined

to see the world the way you see it

my money is spent

and it doesn't matter

because it was always yours

my brain is active

but circular thoughts and ideas

cloud

my eager incentive

to find new ways

you say you wish you taught us how to think

teach me now

because i'm ready for my own thoughts

mama

you gave me your love

but your love is lost,

and i can't find mine, either.

Happy sigh.

It's a shame that most of my moments are made up of wishing for another moment.

The most valuable thing I've learned since I've been here is never taking a moment for granted, as cheesy as that sounds.

Even my mother, who rarely shares any pearls of wisdom, said I need to do this more often. Need to loosen up the ball and chain I usually drag around with me and enjoy the moments as they come.

For some reason, hearing her of all people say this was liberating. My mother is learning at 48, I think, what she wishes she would have learned at my age. And yet she's still hoping for the future. She's still okay with the way it's been, but not okay with letting it stay that way. 

My 48 year old mother has a future, and that gives me hope that I have one as well.

Barnes and Noble somehow opens up places in me that I didn't know were there. I pick up just the right book each time, leaving the store with something I didn't know I was going there with. 

So much to learn. So much to see. So much to experience. The world is a daunting place, no doubt, but that doesn't mean it has the power to bring me down. That doesn't mean it's going to kill me. 

I'm so joyful right now, just knowing that there are still so many caverns and caves and undiscovered valleys inside me. 

I want to trek through them all.

Last night was one of the most enjoyable times I've had in awhile.
My mom and I went to this cute little wine bar downtown and listened to live music and drank wine and it was just...so relaxing.
It was a guy on guitar (the singer), girl on cello, and another girl singing and playing violin. They played Damien Rice, Jeff Buckley, Ryan Adams, Once, Across the Universe. It was splendid.

I just couldn't stop smiling and it made me reailze why people go out dancing. I really wanted to get up and start dancing, especially after the day I had. I understand now how that is a release and how it just brightens peoples moods no matter how horrible life seems to be. I might try going out and dancing when I'm in a funk from now on.

Also, yesterday afternoon after having lunch with my dad I went and sat on a bench and smoked a cigarette. Some guy walked by and said "you look relaxed".
and I muttered under my breath, "I wish".
Its so weird how you never really know what impression you're giving off or how other people really feel. I liked that he thought I looked relaxed, because maybe he envied me in that moment, even though I was so miserable.

and because of that, you can really be however you want to be, whatever mood you want to be in, I felt more relaxed because that man percieved me as so.

Hm.

fuckity fuck.

I've been doing everything I can to hold back tears all day.
Even while I was doing my hair this morning, a tear slipped out and I barely even noticed I was crying until I saw that my cheek was wet.
I even bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one after feeling so great for making it a week and a half.

This is just hard.
That's all there is to it.
It sucks. it sucks. it sucks sucks sucks.

Christmas has always been such a good day for me. It's always been about family, and mine has always been together for it. I don't even know if I'll be here this year. Just because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can sit around a tree with my family and know that this year will be the last. I just don't think I can do it.

So that'll leave me in California with no one on christmas. Which might be good. Maybe it'll give christmas a new spin for me.

Or maybe I'll be sitting under the same fake fucking tree we've had since I was 3 and watch my family fall apart.

Ugh.

My heart hurts so bad right now.
I've never wanted the holiday season to be over so badly in my life.
Please. Just be January already.
Cold, dark, not pretending to be cheery and merry, January.
Please.

hmm..

New favorite thing: victoria's secret.
maybe I'm becoming a woman after all...

glamour ladies

I just put on the same clothes I wore yesterday because, well, because I felt like I needed to get dressed and it seemed like the easiest and fastest option. And let's face it...I'm in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't really matter what I wear, no one is going to see me anyway. And I don't care. Why am I even writing about this. Because I can, that's why.

It's nice to not know anyone here. I'm bored as hell, but I feel absolutely no obligation to anyone. Except for the fact that I just found out one of my friends from florida is going to school up here, and I made the stupid mistake of getting his number and asking him to hang out.

Why do I do stupid things like this purely out of the fact that he's someone I know. I haven't seen him in three years, didn't really even know him that much at the time, and have no real desire to sit around with someone I barely know digging for things to talk about. Maybe thats just too cynical and I'm just too much inside of my own little shell, but yeah...that's the way it is.

Since I quit smoking and drinking coffee I decided it was time for a new habit, and here it is:

skin care! I figured if I started thinking more about the condition of my skin, it would give me more of a reason not to smoke. It's actually kind of fun and fulfilling. I even got the hand repair cream, to repair some of my grandmotherness.

I feel prettier and my eyes feel less baggy and liney, and that's a good thing.

Also, I'm here at my parents house in Walla Walla, Washington, and yesterday my father told me that there is a lot of native american history here. And I couldn't sleep last night, because I think the house is haunted by indians. So I fell asleep to Celebrity rehab with dr drew, or run's house, or one of those mtv shows. I heard things being thrown at the window and I looked out and thought I saw the masked guy from the strangers. I think I shit myself. Then I heard breathing...it may or may not have been dad snoring, but I think it might also have been an indian snoring.

So I wish someone were here to cuddle with and protect me so I could sleep.

I think I'm going to try to find a bookstore in this dinky little town.

oh years past

I love my portlanders. Ed come home so we can take more pictures like this.

Shit man.

Every time I'm feeling tremendously great something stupid comes along and pushes me over.

and because I'm feeling so great, I feel like I shouldn't be so easily pushed.

I just have to ask sometimes why things are the way they are. Why life happens the way it happens.

Why things have to be ignored and neglected until finally one day everything falls apart.

Until you come home and find that your brother is still the same person, except now he's married and expecting a son.

That your parents still aren't in love. Except now divorce is in the horizon.

I don't know. Is this what irony is? 

Needing my family so bad. Wanting nothing more than the comfort of my mom, dad, and brother.

Coming back and things are so different. Everything is about to fall apart. It's not looking good.

Poor Melissa. Poor Max. Poor Dad.

I feel like my brother mom and I should just start a little club called the fuck ups. We are so confused. All of us. We're a little triangle of confusion. And why?

Why is it like this? Why do I feel like there is no where to go? I literally have nothing right now, and even as I type that I know it isn't true. I have to keep remembering my own words- part of the journey, part of the journey, part of the journey. It's all part of the journey.

I just wish at this point in my journey I was sitting on Andy's couch with Anna and beef getting stoney. 

And I'm glad she's happy...so glad she's happy. I just wish I were happy with her. I just wish that I didn't have to be on the other end of the line feeling so lost and mixed up.

Is that what happens when your mom tells you she might divorce your dad? Just fucking do it already! This is the second time in my life divorce has come into play, why can't you just fucking do it!

And here I am, having to keep my mouth zippered, because no one else knows. She doesn't even know if she's going to do it. Or maybe she does and she just didn't want to tell me yet. 

Fuck. Okay. I am going to continue to be strong. I am going to keep pushing forward. This is life. Shitty and wonderful and confusing and it's going to be okay. 

All of a sudden January seems forever away.

night 2 of falling in love.

love

I may be slow, but I get it sometimes.

Coming home was good for many reasons, the most important I think is getting to see my brother and remember the ways that I don't want to be like him.

That sounds so harsh, I love my brother dearly. But he lives his life based on justifications, excuses, and being spoiled.

There's something inside of him that is so afraid of the world, so afraid of his own failure, and I see that in myself as well. 

It scares me that we're both irreversibly fucked in this aspect. 

So much anxiety but so much pride.

So much energy but such a short fuse.

So much love but so much confusion.

So much vision but so much fear.

There are conversations I've had, dreams I've had, words I've read, and sights I've seen that have built up the strength in me to go back and do what I want to do.

I'm such a scared little girl, and I let almost everything get in my way. 

I have the resources at my fingertips. I have the vision.

I'm killing off some of my demons as I go. 

I'm regaining some of the confidence I lost.

I'm refining the ideas I had in my head.

I don't need to run away from my dream by abandoning the hollywood dream.

I've always felt this in my gut- I love acting. It's what I do.

Chase told me on the phone yesterday that all the orlando networks from hollywood were upset that I left. That I gave up. He told me they all looked up to me. That they got their inspiration from me. He told me I was the best actress at Artsake. He told me I was the reason he even made it out to California. It surprised me. It reminded me.

I had forgotten why I love acting, why I did it.

We talked about how I didn't want to have to deal with all the bullshit to get what I wanted.

Spoiled fucking brat.

Still, I don't want to deal with the bullshit, but everybody has to. It's part of any journey or any dream. 

There are going to be piles and piles of it along the way.

And I've just been too much of an idealist to see it that way. I guess I thought that anything worth getting would be worked out by fate to be gained without pain and without confusion and all the things I go through on a daily basis.

It's allright though. This IS part of the journey. This is where I stopped on the side of the road, pounded my head against my fists, cried because I was tired, looked for the way back, saw a hot springs and decided to jump in for a while. 

And that's okay.

There are a ton of things about me that I wish I could change, but if I actually had a magic wand, I doubt I would.

Instead, 

I'm going to take these lessons that I'm daily learning and use them.

Kind of like collecting shit in video games.

I never knew how to play. I was always the kid that ran around the flashing stars or mangoes or whatever the fuck you're supposed to collect and put in your bag and trade later for money or directions or what not.

I'm the thrower awayer. I'm the one who doesn't want to hold onto shit because I'm afraid it will way me down.

Now I'm learning the power of keeping some things, of saving some things, especially when it's information or good karma.

So I'm going back to california. Not today, not even this month. But I'm going back there and I'm going to work through the fear. I'm not going to get intimidated by shitty people who want to tell me how to look or what to say.

I'm going to look how I look and say what I say and that's going to fit in their somewhere. Somewhere that its supposed to fit.

And I'm going to fuck up and I'm going to starve sometimes and I'm going to cry at times and laugh at times and be okay with living life the way I live it. Not the way I feel its supposed to be lived. 

And I'm going to keep going. Because that's what we do.

But for now, today, in this moment, I'm in this beautiful place and I'm loving it.

I went on a walk yesterday with Chobo and sang the entire time. 

I thanked God for bringing me here during fall.

What a blessing.

Really though.

My life is so blessed.

i have to go register my life.

The last couple of days have been amazing.

Yesterday I spent the whole day at Barnes and Noble. I got through two books, sat facing three other strangers in a circle of cushy chairs, and felt completely at peace. 

Then, game night.

Game nights here are getting me through. Seriously.

The more we have, the happier I become.

Stupid card and dice games, office trivia, gamble cranium(?).

I love it. 

Like I said, anything to redirect my attention from my own sad little pathetic life (that's me milking) is highly welcomed and enjoyed. 

Not to mention that every time I look up and see the framed paper that shows the amazing farkle score (farkle- yes. it's the name of a game, not a bodily function) and caption: alex is a douche winner (weiner), I get giggly and happy like a ten year old child.

So today I guess I have to start implementing my new vow of being a more responsible person. Starting with temporary tags. What the fuck. Why do my car issues have to follow me everywhere. I swear. I would be so much better off without that piece of shit that never seems to just be. My car is like a child.

Insure me!

Register me!

Have a licence to drive me!

fuck. 

why am I the only person in history who can't seem to grasp the concept that these three things are a pretty important part of owning a car.

Anyway,

here I go. Wish me luck.

Gone far away.

And all of a sudden here I am.

I'm barely aware of how I got here, 18 hours, 1000 miles away. Different climate, different people, different me?

I kept saying I felt like I was in a bad dream, and I did. No nightmare had ever been so terrifying, and of course, this was reality.

smoke smoke stoney to keep the tears back and then

panic.

everything was fuzzy, nothing made sense, and I've never wanted to die so badly before.

The next morning, the sun was so bright and I just kept wishing for a way to make it go away. Call him and tell him to miss his flight. Have him  fly down anyway and stay for a couple of days, see California, and then leave...without me.

But here I am still, no matter how much I tried to make it go away, un-do my decision.here.i.am.

These are the good things that are already coming out of this:

-I'm realizing how irresponsible I am. (Okay, I've known this for quite some time now, but this time I'm actually taking it into account and not making excuses).

-I realize how many bridges I burn. My life is spent burning bridges. This one could be it's own blog.

-I realize how fragile my mind and body are, and how neglectful I have been of both.

-I realize that I cannot, under any circumstances, stop taking my medication.

-I realize that if I ever play with my molly again I must absolutely be prepared for the inevitable outcome. I must make sure I can handle it.

-I realize that I may come back and go to school in long beach.

Another great thing about being miserable is that almost every single thing aside from my misery is highly entertaining and causes me to giggle. 

-I also realize that I should not read books about drugs. 

this little girl loves to get in trouble.

wow

all i can say is

wow.