yes.

and here i sit

almost 11

what the fuck is wrong with me

i'm such a joke tonight

(that's why i'm laughing)

so i'm going to do what i should have done...ohhh...

3 hours ago..

and put to use my belated valentine gift.

it's huge...pink...(and no, not a dildo).

and joe just walked in so

-yes! at last...boredom ceased, and friends galore.

let's get this party started.

flush it out.

It feels wrong to stir this pot of emotions, tonight being painful ones,

with all the good that i've experienced lately.

i don't want to ignore it though.

i want to face my problems, fears, insecurities, issues, etc face on, as soon as they arise.

and here it is.

anger.

mother. why.

father. where are you.

brother. does it hurt. does it make your married legs feel shaky and suddenly unsure.

for so long we've brushed under the rug, under the rug. out the door if we can. vacuum it up or throw it away, I don't care as long as I don't have to see it. as long as the dirt is far from my view, as long as it doesn't touch my hands. 

and i tried to dirty you up. i tried to show you my own dirtiness, but even that you ignored. i tried to fight, i even attacked...but there was never a sign of recognition in your eyes. 

i'd never purposely hurt a baby. and that's what you were all those years. a baby. unable to fight back. unable to acknowledge. and Lord how I tried. Lord how i pushed you. how i prodded. how i egged you on and picked at your flaws. and maybe that wasn't the way to go about it. 

now you decide to pull your stick out of the pile. you don't have to watch ours fall around you because you figure we're all down anyway. far enough to not feel the repercussions.

never far enough, mommy dear. 

i'm closer now than before but it doesn't make a difference.

new relationships start, old ones end, and thats the way you see it. where does that leave me, mommy. 

why didn't our family ever matter enough? 

why wasn't my father good enough to be loved by you?

i can't call him,

i can't stand to hear his voice.

he's been distant for so long now, anyway...

isn't he completely shut off? Isn't that what happens when your love is constantly being handed back to you?

I don't even think he cares anymore...

but i care.

i'm over it, i guess.

but i care.

you're my mother.

and he's my father.

and that's my brother.

and i don't think you

him

or that

give a fuck about

us.

we were never an us.

at least now there's no fantasy to hide behind. 

at least now there will be no more awkward christmases and hostile reunions.

at least now 

i don't have to watch my father get rejected

again and again

but mommy

i love you so much

do you even feel 

it.

erin anderson and the love babes.

so i'm obsessed.

with the 60's.

those new years.

those new drugs.

those belly laughs.

those spiritual awakenings.

i'm obsessed.

with the 60's.

and with

my life.

one minute.

my cigarette ash grows and bends

like the tower of pisa

it falls over and only

the bright, burning

red

is left over,

the remains of the old, crumbled building

i look up from the ash

and see that i am leaning too,

like the old tower of pisa

over and into the crack between our beds

blankets wrapping around

and cushioning my body

like soft black clouds

the smoke curls out the window 

and touches the wind,

making it tangible

showing its path as the smoke

drifts out 

and back in again

sound pierces my ear and i look

for a remote

a mute button

but realize that

those deafening tones

are hundreds of mixtures

of pure

silence

and tears well

and mouth quivers

and she looks over

as my eyes dart all around

and we sit still

as the sounds click and tap and buzz and

the room comes back to life

and the pounding of our hearts are once again

muffled

by the crackling frequency

of electricity.

www

i'm lonely but i don't care.

i told myself i'd get through this.

this being 

alone

ness.

i'm not literally alone.

almost always constantly surrounded. 

there is love to reach the sky and beyond.

but my heart still yearns. of course it does. it's a heart.

it still wants another heart. somebody to hold sometimes.

words get so heavy, they get caught in my throat and sometimes i just have nothing to say. 

but i don't want just anybody, and thats why i'm ok with this loneliness.

i'm changing.

dramatically.

reality doesn't make much sense anymore.

and i want someone to climb into my reality with me for a little bit and not ask me to change it.

this is my life.

My world is so bright. 

I closed my eyes yesterday for hours and hours and hours because finally I was becoming blinded.

I slept, I dreamt, I was quiet.

and now I'm refreshed.

I'm rejuvinated.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but love.

and how love has me on a wild ride right now.

and yet I'm not troubled by romance.

I'm not bothered by expectation or device.

It's a current and so many times in the past few weeks have I felt it rush into me with such force that my breath is swept away.

Such force that it exhausts me and I have to lay back on the couch and simply survey the scene around me.

There is love all around.

an abundance of it.

sweet kisses and warm hugs and none of it 

perverted or twisted

to fit our every need.

but selfishness still creeps in and I have to hold my breath and close my eyes to keep myself from sucking in all the beauty I can get.

super puke sunday.

Maxden Daniel Anderson

I am so excited about my beautiful little nephew. I cannot wait to see him.

I don't understand why my letters are underlined and blue. It's annoying. stooop it.

I don't want to go to work today, sundays always scare the shit out of me. There are too many people and I can't breathe. But going to work means soon it will be over and then I get to have sunday funday with Andy Panda and Banana boo. 

And then Monday funday with Chaseroo and Bennybi.

So I just have to get through screaming fans, cardinals, steelers, beer, chaos, panic attacks, and the like and then

:o)