happy lil girl

I had my first day at Habana today. It is such a cool feeling to work with my best friend. it makes me 

HAPPY.

and also.

male models like to wear dove.  Why?

and,

andy is my fave.

plus-

la la land tonight with banana and the boys.

:o)

perky worker.

I've been such a restless, bored, hippity hoppity spaz the last couple of days. 

I'm bouncing from one thought to the other, forgetting what I was doing as soon as I start trying to do it, not wanting to sit still or have a minute to myself, pacing, not being able to hold my concentration on one thing for too long.

It's a little frustrating, I want to just be peaceful and content in whatever moment I'm in. I don't want to constantly be searching for the next thing to fill a need in me. I'm craving everything lately: fun, people, experience, education, information, serotonin, food, drink, smoke, words, quiet, noise, exersize, laziness, sleep, wake, cleanliness, dirtiness, comedy, drama, logic, and insanity.

 

I'm on this crazy roller coaster that has so many dips and turns and my head kind of hurts and I'm a little nauseous, but I just want to keep going. Because I'm having so much fun. 

Anyway. This morning Kitch, Joe, and I painted with watercolors while watching across the universe. It was definitely the highlight of my day. It was so enjoyable. That movie really is insane. The visuals. The message. The characters. Uggggh. I actually think I might go out and rent a movie. I'm not sure why I've been so opposed to spending any time alone lately. It might be good for me to chill out by myself apart from sleeping. 

Also, I've gone the entire day without a cigarette and I feel GREAT. I am so excited that I finally made the decision to be healthy. And with the vaporizer on the way, I'm going to be healthier all around in my smoking habits.

Now I just need to get to the chiropractor and figure out what is going on with my bones. Anna thinks I might be growing. That would be weird.

Oh, and I am officially a person with two jobs.

I'm a working girl.

That means money and that means no more handouts from mommy.

yes.

Life.

It's a beautiful sunday.

I dropped Anna off at work this morning and caught myself mesmerized several times by my burning cigarette.

The smoke was dancing in a way I've never seen it before. It was twirling off the ash and waving into the wind. 

I inhaled and the wave continued down into my lungs and stomach, and my heart pounded against my ribcage like the white foam crashing down on the shore.

This cough won't go away, and I know I shouldn't be smoking. It's only getting worse. I'm hacking my lungs out all day long. 

I just want to read lately. Read everything. I want to devour new information. I want to go to barnes and noble for hours and walk out with words and ideas and stories flashing through my brain. It's not that I'm stagnant lately, it's the exact opposite. My experiences are piling and growing and lifting me into places I've never been before. Peace, calm, fun. 

The fun doesn't seem to stop. Always fun. Always laughing and adventuring. There are so many things I want to see. I'm constantly chasing this bouncy ball from one fun room to another.

Game box. Inside the toy box, inside the game.

I can't shut my gaping mouth. 

jeepers creepers.

Anna and I drove by a pet cemetery yesterday. Other than the movie, I've never actually seen one before.

It kind of creeped me out on the idea of owning pets.

The thought of buying a piece of land and a gravestone for a cat, dog, goldfish, bunny, iguana, hampster, snake, or any other non-human companion seems a tiny bit weird and creepy. 

And on the other hand, the thought of loving a loyal pet for years and years and then simply throwing it at a veterinarian to dispose of seems homicidal and heartless.

So now the idea of owning a pet at all just gives me the creeps. I don't think I can do it, ever. 

Yeah, think about it. We want something to love at all times, something to cuddle with and kiss and talk to and it never has to talk back. They look at you like you're a crazy lady whenever you talk to them or try to get their attention. Yeah, sometimes they're nice to have around, and can sense your emotions, and all that yadda yadda..but I'm not convinced that owning pets isn't a bit narcissistic and controlling. 

And a huge hassle, on top of that.

Not that I'm an animal hater. I love animals. But I love them in their natural environment. I like them in the wild. I like when they can hunt and play and don't have to eat canned fish and poop in a box.

lady brilliance.

Helter sKelter.

sweet, sweet life.

I think it's important for me to take a second to acknowledge how amazing my life is.

It's not perfect, but it's so close.

I wake up every morning praising God that it's another beautiful day...taking turns making coffee and breakfast, and having serious dance parties while getting ready for the day.

This morning Anna made amazing breakfast burritos, and we put on some funk music and danced.

Now I'm working out again with wine bottles and across the universe.

<3333

uhm.?

I'm simultaneously smoking

chatting online

and working out.

I'm not sure how my life works.

reflections

it's good to feel beautiful

when you're alone

when you're not sitting

in front of a mirror

because then you know that

you're just seeing

and feeling

what's inside

and it's good.

future.

when i'm sitting here alone

is when i feel it

like the strongest current

like the gust of wind

like the lake i wouldn't have driven past

had i not been sad

i feel it like a heat

like a picture show in my head

i feel

that it will happen

to me.

baby birdy mamuh

like a mama bird,

i want to take you under

my wing, baby bird

i want to protect you from all

your sad thoughts

i want to smash your

glass boxes

the way you smashed your

windshield

because my team is losing

playing against yourself

you will never

win.

agape

Something new and terrifying has been going on in my head.

Only at certain times and I push, push, push it away as fast as I can.

My mind is rebelling against God. Parts of me that are loving this rebellious streak I've been on have taken off running and I'm scrambling to bring them back.

They're wandering off on the path of what if. What if it's not real. What if this is all really just a manmade lie lie lie. I'll think about God, I'll try to pray to make it go away and those little rebels in my head slap my clasped hands apart and grab my face and turn it from heaven.

But I'm still holding on with all I have to this scrap of faith. Now, inside of this doubt, this kind of doubt that I've never, ever had is my burning coal of faith. Just one coal, burning from the inside, dimming and lighting with each new gust of wind.

Because I know. I'll always know and it'll never leave me. As this was forming in my brain, as they were pushing God away and pulling my beliefs into the air, I let my mind entertain the possibility. Of nothing. Of still life, no god. I let myself magically wave him gone for a second.

And as I did that I tried to feel love. I tried to feel a single emotion toward another human being, and I couldn't. It was gone. I tried to imagine living my life as an athiest, but still having the moral beliefs I carry. Still wanting to love with everything I have in me. And not that I think I'd be incapable of being a decent human being without a belief in God, but it just.wasn't.possible. I couldn't feel TRUE LOVE, toward the human race without God being inseparable from it. 

The concept of love doesn't exist for me apart from God. And I think that's part of the reason my mind had to wander away for a second, so that I could get somewhat of a clearer view of this thing called love, and what it means to love another human being.

I'm boring myself.

I started my new job last night. I am ever so thankful that:

1) I will finally have income!

2) It's in long beach

3) I like the bar and the way it's run

4) so far everyone there seems really chill

All that makes me a happy girl. I finally have a little bit of stability in my life. 

The Santa Ana's are blowing up a storm. The trees are going crazy out there.

I just finished making a collage. I think it's cute. 

I can't seem to find a steady stream of thoughts. I'm all over the place man.

dude.

mandude.

I really want to be able to write. I haven't written anything of importance for a while. I want to write a book, but I have no idea how. I suppose I could just start writing and see what comes of it. 

Somebody put my number on craigslist and I am 

ANGRY.

calls and voicemails and anger and death!