New experience.

Uncharted territory.

Always valuabable education.

While the boyfriend is away...

...try on all his clothes like it's a Macy's going out of business sale...

SCORE!

Divided

Time passes
and I hang on to his coattails
as he races from one sunset
to the next

I wake up next to you
and then suddenly
I am waking up
alone

I race to beat him
as I speed
or crawl
along the highway
to where you are

I wake up next to you
and then suddenly
I am waking up
alone

We walk hand in hand
at noon
looking for ways to pass the time
then suddenly
I am walking alone
arms crossed
looking for ways to pass the time

I sit across from you
with coffee or tea
to talk of things that are going on
in our minds
in our lives
then suddenly
I'm sitting across from no one
with coffee or tea
and my mind
my life
is somewhere else

I am divided

I wait

wait

wait

for infinite mornings with you.

Aldous Huxley- The Doors of Perception

Fantastic.

"We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves."

"Who cares what his feelings are? Can't he pay attention to something else?" (His reaction to a composer's work while on mescalin)

"The fear...was of being overwhelmed, of distinegrating under a pressure of reality greater than a mind, accustomed to living most of the time in a cozy world of symbols, could possibly bear."

(He writes about the Mind at Large, which means that our senses are attuned to all things that are happening in the world at once, but since we are animals our survival instincts kick in and we are no longer a mind at large, but we see reality through a tunnel, only the necessary information is recieved by our brains, in order for us to function in the world. He believes mescalin opens up that tunnel and allows us to use our senses in a way closer to the original Mind at Large.)

"...But it is actually we, the rich and highly educated whites, who have left ourselves bare behind. We cover our anterior nakedness with some philosophy- christian, marxian, freudo-physicalist- but abaft we remain uncovered, at the mercy of all the winds of circumstance."

"...supplementing the fig leaf of a theology with the breechclout of transcendental experience."

(of the Indians who used Peyote as religion rather than churches and theology. Looked down upon by most of society and other religions, but Huxley writes that they are EXPERIENCING a religion, through mescalin and the doors it opens and the refinement of perception, rather than having knowledge about a theology without any experience behind it.)

The beginning of the essay is mostly a guide through his experience with mescalin and the different ways he saw things or thought about things, but I especially liked the end when he started talking about how people are constantly striving to find something to get them into a deeper level of "reality" or something to give them a different perspective. In this country that escape is mostly found with alcohol and tobacco. It's really interesting to me that in the 50's when he wrote this essay he was trying to communicate that mescalin is a safer and more socially beneficial way of reaching a higher level of perspective than alcohol or tobacco.

Overall, my favorite thing about this essay and Aldous Huxley is that he was a man who wanted to transcend into a more spiritual way of living as well as still being a functioning, healthy member of a social system. 

I haven't felt this way in a long time.

I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do.

I'm alone and I feel so afraid in my own head.

I don't know how to do anything right now, I'm too weak to do anything anyway.

How do I move forward, how do I stop being so afraid?

why do I think I'm going to die soon?

PUKEPUKE

Why is that thin line that stretches between two people so fragile? I think it's current is strong and able to withstand but our hands are so weak and tempted to let go so easily. Or maybe it's just mine. Maybe love is a challenge, holding on is a challenge, because I'm scared that when all is said and done and the clock has made it's rotations day after day, I'll be the only one holding on.
So many circumstances to determine the outcome of two hearts combined.
I'm always the one to drop the line and run as hard and far as I can.
So proud, and so afraid.
I look in his eyes and all I want is to be part of them. All I want is to crawl inside those pools and swim around until I'm all mermaid and all him and whole.
I'm not looking for someone, for him, to make me a complete human being; I know that I am already a complete human being because I am flesh and brain and heart and no matter what I lack, I will be wholly who I am until I die.
But I always want to be strong, and I always want to be certain, unafraid, unaffected, and I think that's why love is so strange to me.
Can I show you when I'm scared? Can I tell you that I'm terrified? Will that scare you away? Will that be ugly to you, will the insecurity turn you off and turn you away?
I want to love you hard. I want to love you until you make me stop. But I'm afraid if you know that, you'll ask me to stop.
I'm afraid that one day it will be over.
and I don't want it to be over.
And I don't want to think about these things, I don't want these fears to exist (I want to be so sure and sturdy, but I guess I'm not)
I'm okay with being afraid, but I don't want to be afraid of you. I've never wanted to keep anything in tact, ever.
All I've ever done is tear apart anything I've ever built. Burned bridges and built new ones to burn them down too.
I've held the belief for so long that nothing can ever ever ever last. besides love, anything. I suck out the beauty in everything because I know someday it won't be beautiful anymore. I talk about everything I think because I know that someday I won't remember these thoughts.
I have no faith in the longevity of anything, which is why now I get hit so hard with fear, lying in bed and wanting nothing more than to squeeze the life out of you, squeeze the beauty and soak it up.
I don't want this love to be fickle
or fleeting
and I don't want to ever let go.
and I get angry at the power your love has over me, the range of emotions it takes me through.
I get mad and I let the thought linger on the tip of my tongue "Love doesn't exist. I hate love."
But I don't say it. It won't come out.
because I know I don't believe it, and I know it's not true.
It's so real.
It's reality is the only thing I see these days. I see you standing in my mind and I want to push that image away and replace it with something that makes me feel less vulnerable, less small and pathetic.

But I am vulnerable.
I'm small.
and I'm pathetic.

and I'm okay with all that as long as you love me and keep letting me love you.

I want to write something, but I don't know what to write.

I don't want to bitch about anything, even though I'm in a really bad mood today.

I don't want to get introspective and write about life and all it's glory or shittiness.

I just want to write something because I like to type and I like to see my own words in front of me.

But I'm sitting here blankly on my bed surveying the room (filth) and the day (not exciting) and I'm coming up with nothing.

the people just got home. I guess i'll see what they're up to.

It's funny to have a blog that no one reads.