words and actions.

Should this be easier?

It seems like all the other times were so easy that decisions weren't even made, they just...happened. But is that why it always turned out shitty in the end? Because I allowed my brain to shut off and strictly relied on the part of me that didn't want to be alone?

I hold back so much with him. but I do it for a reason. He hasn't gained my trust, and I think that's apparent.

But yet I've given him more of myself I've given anybody else, in a way. Men I loved and trusted didn't get these parts of me.

And that confuses the hell out of me.

Maybe what confuses me more is how I don't know exactly what he feels for me.

He tells me, he shows me, but something in me tells me that actions speak louder than words.

words are simply validated by actions.

and his actions tell me that

i'm 

not 

worth

the wait.

but I guess my words tell him that there might not even be anything to wait for. Because how can I commit myself now to someone who breaks my heart every time he's away. How can this ever possibly work? 

Why do I care for him so much? It's hard to communicate, too. He doesn't understand why I'm so silent so much. Why I can't say what I feel. Because it's the only part that's still only mine, the part I gave him in trust was so negated. At least that's how I feel. And I can't express all this and I've tried and he's done nothing but be great and understanding and apologetic and still...my little heart wants to feel safe. Doesn't everyone's?

When you express to someone how sacred this is to you? How hard it is for you? When they've seen you break down and cry because you just want to get past these demons that tell you its not okay, and you let him in, you trust him with this, you give this to him...and then it's all kind of ruined. 

Maybe I'm too painfully faithful, even when it's not asked of me. Maybe I don't see the lack of boundaries as an excuse. Maybe his mind just works differently than mine.

maybe he's just a man.

but maybe I want more than that.

Maybe I want to feel fully loved.

I don't want to sit here, thousands of miles away, loving someone who doesn't feel it necessary to keep his dick in his pants when I'm not around.

and why is it that this is the part of me that I choose to share with him? The part of me that I kept from all the others.

Is that too much to ask right now? I'm too much of an idealist, aren't I?

Maybe I should just shut the hell up and take some more vikodin.