Ciao 08!

I just tried doing an end of year survey, but for some reason it wouldn't let me post it here...so I just wasted a lot of time for nothing.

Oh 2008.

You are almost over.

And I'm glad for that.

New year's are always exciting.

In with the out and old with the new. 

Ghost Girl part 2

Goodbye, Olympia.

Goodbye, Beautiful Northwest.

For obvious weather reasons, I was fully planning on not being able to leave this morning. So after going to sleep at 330 am being woken up at 7 to my mom saying we're going today, not having packed so much as a sock, I was quite surprised, and groggy...and unprepared.

So I stumbled downstairs, and as I'm barely able to get the coffee from the pot to the cup, the cup teetering on it's edge I look up and my dad and brother are staring at me, dad shaking his head.

"What?"

"You are sooo...disorganized." (it sounded like he really wanted to say: You're a huge fucking mess who needs to get her shit together, pronto.)

And yet here I am, fully packed and ready to hit the road.

Let me do my thing in my own disorganized manner. I like it best that way, anyway.

Go to sleeeep, crazy lady.

It's Christmas day. 

My parents made it safely from Walla Walla. 

25,000 of Mel's relatives came over for brunch.

I'm sitting on a love sac.

and I'm watching Friends.

Can I really complain?

No, not really.

I'm a little disappointed that I won't be able to leave for California tomorrow, though. This snow has a way of fucking up everyone's travel plans.

but it's okay. Better safe than dead.

Why is Friends the best show ever?  I can get into the worst mood sometimes. Turn on friends and I'm a crazy lady that couldn't be happier.

I'm a ghost girl.

Suddenly I was here, and suddenly I'm going to be gone. I leave for California the day after Christmas. 

It seems since I've been up here in the NW I've been here, there, and everywhere.

Which I'm okay with.

I've had good days, bad days, great days, and awful days. 

And overall I'm excited about the time I've spent here, the things I've learned here, and the people I met/got to spend time with here.

It's been different than I thought it would be. SO much different. But that's how life goes and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I understand myself a little bit better than I did before, and I think it would have ended up that way whether I had stayed in California or not. It's

just 

part

of 

growing 

up.

I realized I'm more resilient than I give myself  credit for, and a lot less disciplined.

I'm much more liberal than I once thought.

and I just want to have fun,

as most girls do, proven by madonna.

More and more each day I realize how important it is to just 

ENJOY life.

Really truly enjoy the experiences, the people, everything.

I don't want to stop having fun. I don't want to start worrying too much. I don't want conversation to grow stale and my legs to fall asleep from sitting on them too much.

I want to be able to accept and allow and love and journey and not get overwhelmed with all the details.

details, details, details.

I want to share my days with people who can see inside my head a little bit. I want to share experiences with people who can look at me and know exactly what I'm thinking, and what I'm thinking is

let's just fucking do it. let's play. let's laugh. let's talk. let's not let the moments pass. let's not be bored. let's not be boring.

let's experience. let's fuck up. let's laugh about it all. let's laugh about all the seriousness. let's leave people alone and hope they can do the same for us.

let's talk talk talk. about anything and everything.  

I don't like being lonely, but I'd rather be lonely than with people who just don't get it.

waking and sleeping.

It's a difficult concept that positivity needs to be practiced.

Sometimes it's so hard to stay positive. 

Sometimes I get so

so

so

scared.

of everything.

swift change.

Things change so fast, and with them my ideas of them.

So welcomed.

So glad for this.

concrete.

Finally something concrete.

Concretely platonic.

Which is the way I've always known it should be. 

and that peace is priceless.

And once again, God always has this way of putting people into my life at the exact moment I need it, to tell me words I need to hear, to validate me in ways that I have felt invalidated by myself.

I'm cherishing these moments.

words and actions.

Should this be easier?

It seems like all the other times were so easy that decisions weren't even made, they just...happened. But is that why it always turned out shitty in the end? Because I allowed my brain to shut off and strictly relied on the part of me that didn't want to be alone?

I hold back so much with him. but I do it for a reason. He hasn't gained my trust, and I think that's apparent.

But yet I've given him more of myself I've given anybody else, in a way. Men I loved and trusted didn't get these parts of me.

And that confuses the hell out of me.

Maybe what confuses me more is how I don't know exactly what he feels for me.

He tells me, he shows me, but something in me tells me that actions speak louder than words.

words are simply validated by actions.

and his actions tell me that

i'm 

not 

worth

the wait.

but I guess my words tell him that there might not even be anything to wait for. Because how can I commit myself now to someone who breaks my heart every time he's away. How can this ever possibly work? 

Why do I care for him so much? It's hard to communicate, too. He doesn't understand why I'm so silent so much. Why I can't say what I feel. Because it's the only part that's still only mine, the part I gave him in trust was so negated. At least that's how I feel. And I can't express all this and I've tried and he's done nothing but be great and understanding and apologetic and still...my little heart wants to feel safe. Doesn't everyone's?

When you express to someone how sacred this is to you? How hard it is for you? When they've seen you break down and cry because you just want to get past these demons that tell you its not okay, and you let him in, you trust him with this, you give this to him...and then it's all kind of ruined. 

Maybe I'm too painfully faithful, even when it's not asked of me. Maybe I don't see the lack of boundaries as an excuse. Maybe his mind just works differently than mine.

maybe he's just a man.

but maybe I want more than that.

Maybe I want to feel fully loved.

I don't want to sit here, thousands of miles away, loving someone who doesn't feel it necessary to keep his dick in his pants when I'm not around.

and why is it that this is the part of me that I choose to share with him? The part of me that I kept from all the others.

Is that too much to ask right now? I'm too much of an idealist, aren't I?

Maybe I should just shut the hell up and take some more vikodin.

:o)

I gots my wisdom teeth pulled out yesterday.

I was terrrrrrified before the procedure and now I feel like a million bucks.

Since my teeth don't hurt I'm gonna try to make the vikodin last as long as possible.

mmhmm.