Happy sigh.

It's a shame that most of my moments are made up of wishing for another moment.

The most valuable thing I've learned since I've been here is never taking a moment for granted, as cheesy as that sounds.

Even my mother, who rarely shares any pearls of wisdom, said I need to do this more often. Need to loosen up the ball and chain I usually drag around with me and enjoy the moments as they come.

For some reason, hearing her of all people say this was liberating. My mother is learning at 48, I think, what she wishes she would have learned at my age. And yet she's still hoping for the future. She's still okay with the way it's been, but not okay with letting it stay that way. 

My 48 year old mother has a future, and that gives me hope that I have one as well.

Barnes and Noble somehow opens up places in me that I didn't know were there. I pick up just the right book each time, leaving the store with something I didn't know I was going there with. 

So much to learn. So much to see. So much to experience. The world is a daunting place, no doubt, but that doesn't mean it has the power to bring me down. That doesn't mean it's going to kill me. 

I'm so joyful right now, just knowing that there are still so many caverns and caves and undiscovered valleys inside me. 

I want to trek through them all.

Last night was one of the most enjoyable times I've had in awhile.
My mom and I went to this cute little wine bar downtown and listened to live music and drank wine and it was just...so relaxing.
It was a guy on guitar (the singer), girl on cello, and another girl singing and playing violin. They played Damien Rice, Jeff Buckley, Ryan Adams, Once, Across the Universe. It was splendid.

I just couldn't stop smiling and it made me reailze why people go out dancing. I really wanted to get up and start dancing, especially after the day I had. I understand now how that is a release and how it just brightens peoples moods no matter how horrible life seems to be. I might try going out and dancing when I'm in a funk from now on.

Also, yesterday afternoon after having lunch with my dad I went and sat on a bench and smoked a cigarette. Some guy walked by and said "you look relaxed".
and I muttered under my breath, "I wish".
Its so weird how you never really know what impression you're giving off or how other people really feel. I liked that he thought I looked relaxed, because maybe he envied me in that moment, even though I was so miserable.

and because of that, you can really be however you want to be, whatever mood you want to be in, I felt more relaxed because that man percieved me as so.

Hm.

fuckity fuck.

I've been doing everything I can to hold back tears all day.
Even while I was doing my hair this morning, a tear slipped out and I barely even noticed I was crying until I saw that my cheek was wet.
I even bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one after feeling so great for making it a week and a half.

This is just hard.
That's all there is to it.
It sucks. it sucks. it sucks sucks sucks.

Christmas has always been such a good day for me. It's always been about family, and mine has always been together for it. I don't even know if I'll be here this year. Just because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can sit around a tree with my family and know that this year will be the last. I just don't think I can do it.

So that'll leave me in California with no one on christmas. Which might be good. Maybe it'll give christmas a new spin for me.

Or maybe I'll be sitting under the same fake fucking tree we've had since I was 3 and watch my family fall apart.

Ugh.

My heart hurts so bad right now.
I've never wanted the holiday season to be over so badly in my life.
Please. Just be January already.
Cold, dark, not pretending to be cheery and merry, January.
Please.

hmm..

New favorite thing: victoria's secret.
maybe I'm becoming a woman after all...

glamour ladies

I just put on the same clothes I wore yesterday because, well, because I felt like I needed to get dressed and it seemed like the easiest and fastest option. And let's face it...I'm in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't really matter what I wear, no one is going to see me anyway. And I don't care. Why am I even writing about this. Because I can, that's why.

It's nice to not know anyone here. I'm bored as hell, but I feel absolutely no obligation to anyone. Except for the fact that I just found out one of my friends from florida is going to school up here, and I made the stupid mistake of getting his number and asking him to hang out.

Why do I do stupid things like this purely out of the fact that he's someone I know. I haven't seen him in three years, didn't really even know him that much at the time, and have no real desire to sit around with someone I barely know digging for things to talk about. Maybe thats just too cynical and I'm just too much inside of my own little shell, but yeah...that's the way it is.

Since I quit smoking and drinking coffee I decided it was time for a new habit, and here it is:

skin care! I figured if I started thinking more about the condition of my skin, it would give me more of a reason not to smoke. It's actually kind of fun and fulfilling. I even got the hand repair cream, to repair some of my grandmotherness.

I feel prettier and my eyes feel less baggy and liney, and that's a good thing.

Also, I'm here at my parents house in Walla Walla, Washington, and yesterday my father told me that there is a lot of native american history here. And I couldn't sleep last night, because I think the house is haunted by indians. So I fell asleep to Celebrity rehab with dr drew, or run's house, or one of those mtv shows. I heard things being thrown at the window and I looked out and thought I saw the masked guy from the strangers. I think I shit myself. Then I heard breathing...it may or may not have been dad snoring, but I think it might also have been an indian snoring.

So I wish someone were here to cuddle with and protect me so I could sleep.

I think I'm going to try to find a bookstore in this dinky little town.