Because I need to see with my own eyes.
Something tangible that I can nod my head in agreement with, or walk away from disturbed.
But just to know, and acknowledge.

Creativity is a word that I can't get out of my head lately. Sometimes I stop and ask myself "Am I a creative person, really?" Everyone seems to think that being an actor makes you a creative person. But if you're never acting, what are you creating? Creating opportunities, I suppose. Creating relationships. Creating hope and trying as hard as humanly possible to maintain it.

I used to consider myself a writer. I used to think I had something to say. But maybe I don't have a story, or a message, or a point to make- I only need to see these thoughts and feelings unfold in front of me. I need to create letters, strung together on a page that somehow amounts to what was inside of me once. But a story would be nice. A few characters. A plot. A beginning, middle, and end. That would be nice.

Then to take that story and roll a camera in front of it. Chop it up nice and call it a movie.

Now how to make that happen.

it's been a ridiculously long time since i've written anything. not a journal entry. not a poem. not a scritch scratch piece of shit. so now i've forced myself to find a medium, and write. Now that Tim and I live together I have access to his computer much of the time, so I want to get in the habit of typing, so I can do it faster and more often, as opposed to just freehand journaling.

Maybe something will come of it; I mean, stranger things have happened.

strangest mood lately. somber, but not unhappy. quiet, but not sad. empty-minded, but not bored. Like I'm growing and changing and the only thing I can do is watch myself from a safe distance. Past-times that used to interest me, and captivate most of my interest at that, no longer have the same hold. wine is nice in the evening, but i find myself happy to stay sober throughout the day, and drugs....o drugs.....I see now that they were an escape for a purpose of escaping. Pure, sober reality, for most of my waking time, is somewhat new, and maybe that is why I've been quiet and more contemplative lately, it's not at all like depression or anything of the sort, it's more of a curious observance. Seeing the way things can be calm and still somewhat satisfying in the proper state of mind.

Yes, sometimes it's boring, watching 8 pm roll in, knowing that the hours will tick lazily by until it's time for sleep, but the boredom is more just the fear of it coming, and not really the actual arrival of it.

it's sad that the two art forms in which i've identified myself: I'm an actress, I'm a writer.

they've both grown so far from being true. when was the last time i actually wrote something of significance? something at all? When was the last time I auditioned, much less performed? February of this year was the last time I acted in something. Long ago. I am my own worst enemy, the procrastinator of all procrastinators, I might as well of made up the word 'lazy'.

I'm constantly trying to force myself to do things that I frankly, have no interest in: excersize, well...yeah, excersize. I guess that's still good, interest or not...but yet, i don't force myself to hurl me back into that terrifying world of rejection and terror, with the end result of hopefully performing, but most of the time just smiling nicely or saying something stupid.

I don't force myself to write, to sit in front of blank space and summon something up, something that will hopefully sound good and make me more interested in myself.

growing older and each subsequent phase in life is as hard as the one before; somehow I always thought it would maybe get easier, would maybe all make more sense. I guess it doesn't. 24 now and even this seems far away from 21 and 22. it seems less confusing and at the same time more complicated and easier to make huge mistakes.

there's the money issue, and not having it. going to work everyday for the main purpose of getting some cash or a paycheck to help me through, help me pay the bills, feed myself, keep myself sheltered, keep myself mobile, keep myself available to the world, the world we live in, even more so now that we're in beverly hills, the world of money money money.

it's funny how you can forget why you go to work. you find yourself liking it, it's something to pass the time, it's somewhere to meet new people, it's somewhere to make money and spend it on bills....but you forget that you're there as a transitionary period before you make it big, before you start making money doing something that really excites you.

i forget that. a lot.

anything is easy to get sucked into, if you forget enough. lose your motivation enough. if you get comfortable too quickly.

things don't come as easily as i always thought they should or would, or as they always did.

you start to drift into the background, you become old news, you're 24 and the world doesn't give a shit about you anymore.

so now it's your turn to make shit happen.

today i want to hide myself in pages
behind and between shelves
i want to duck under tables
with paper and pen

got my coffee and my cigarette

got a beautiful morning

and a beautiful man

got opportunities a knocking

and i'm unbolting all the locks

It changes so frequently, doesn't it?

perspectives

wants

needs

moods

the need for responsibility shifts in and out

the force that keeps me moving forward lifts my heels and frees me for short moments

and then violently leaves me

crushing my chest as it shoves off, leaving me to sleep

for hours and days and weeks and months

and then comes again!

lifting my eyelids from sleep and attaching again to my heels

lifting me out of my slumber and directing my course

although, the course is just a matter of movement. In this state it doesn't matter where I'm headed, or with who, just that I'm here and that I'm moving and that I'm not stuck anymore, at least for this moment.

That I can't keep up with my lips and my hands is a sweet relief from the heavy weight of a silent tongue and the restless exhaustion of clenched fists.

Fists that curl and uncurl in sleep as well as waking hours, preparing for a hit and looking for an easy target.

That I can keep the force at my feet and out of my brain is my wish.

I wake in dreams

wake and rise

take baths

in strange bath tubs

survey the scene

but not well enough

to believe I'm still sane

I always love October.

Goodness happening.

all this energy
directed where?
this morning at anger
sending messages
of hate and aggression
all over the world

all this energy in my stomach
in my jaws
chomping and chewing
fists needing something
to squeeze

fingers needing something to write
having nothing to say
finding everything thats been said
so repetitive

finding everything i think
so repetitive

cramming things into my mouth
into my body
to occupy the time
to occupy the restlessness

getting faded
because i don't know what else
to do.

I want to greet the boundless in everyone.

I need a viewpoint that is not my own.
I need a perspective that allows me to see more truth than I'm seeing right now.

Send me on a rocket to the moon so I can see our world and my little life with all the clarity of the universe.

Our culture is collapsing.

Everyone acknowledges it but nobody seems to care.

Everyone acknowledges that certain things need to change but nobody seems to believe that everything has to change.

We are so engulfed by our current way of living (current being thousands and thousands of years) that we can't see where we used to be or how beneficial to our survival it was.

We hold the belief that we are so superior that this way of agriculture and technology and everything else that goes along with it is just necessary and good as a part of our evolution as humans.

What about the ways of living that were actually beneficial to humans as well as the entire world, what about hunting gathering natural. what about that.

We know as a race that we've gotten it so fucked up that we use religion and the promise of an afterlife to cover the fact that we're killing off our own race, our own people.

but it doesn't matter when your mind is in that state. we know we'll die, but we only think of heaven. we don't think of the generations after us that will suffer immensely and eventually the collapse of human kind.

either that or we perpetuate our current state in a different way, by embracing our advances and ignoring the fact that it still isn't working right. we're still getting more sick and we're still fighting more wars- and no, I don't think it's because we're "sinful, fallen creatures...and that we need to be redeemed and the only way to do that is through Jesus". I think it's because we have got it so horribly wrong in the way we're running and controlling our lives.

we're becoming a robot people who thrive on machinery and efficiency and technology but that won't sustain us forever.

When will the earth start taking back from us everything we've taken from it?

When will all the other species start becoming stronger and start revolting against us, because we revolted against the natural order of life?

Our culture is not self sustainable.

and eventually we are going to use up every resource we have.

and then what

.

"When one does not see what one does not see, one does not even see that one is blind."

Paul Veyne

I like brain damage.

When I stop to think about it, most of the problems or troubles I've ever had are in my head.

Not that I've had a perfect life, but looking back on the years I can't find one thing I'd change.

Not a person, an experience, a feeling, nothing.

The only dramas I've lived out are the dramas of fear

of being terrified of being alive

more terrified of dying

terrified of hurting

or being hurt.

I think about it a lot, how I'd love to know what it feels like to have to summon up true bravery to get through something that wasn't entirely made up by fear.

to really have to fight for my life or help someone fight for theirs. What does it feel like to truly be a victim?

I can't say I've ever lived through anything that I didn't put myself through. I've victimized myself plenty.

But to have to fight for my own survival?

It makes me feel fortunate that I've never experienced that. It makes my own worries seem so much less important. Because most of my anxieties are based on the future and what is going to happen.

Each of my present moments is so blissful and full of joy. I only rob myself of that when I let the future have any sort of impact.

We got the handshake under our tongue

.

my fingers are weighted down like anchors that just want to sink as deeply as they can into ocean bottom.

but my brain forces them to type it's thoughts, to conjure up some words and images so i can see with my eyes what i'm feeling.

what i'm thinking.

and what i'm thinking is that life is crazier and more interesting than i ever thought it could be.

what i feel is blessed peace for the first time in a while.

complete contentment with where i am at this moment.

completely fulfilled by love.

I think the most important lesson I'm currently learning is patience.

Lack of patience has had me so anxious, frustrated, pensive, and angry so much in my life.

Everything about my life right now is forcing me to reflect on what it means to truly be

patient.

To have peace knowing that things don't always happen right away, or even as you think they will.

To have wisdom to know that bad times pass. just as good times seem to slam into bad, bad times always creep their way back to good.

For life to be balanced it must have the good and the bad. The dark and light. The opposite to everything. I forget when I'm stuck in a storm that there is otherness around it. The storm isn't everything. It may be encompassing everything I feel and think at a certain time, but other stuff, good stuff, eventually ends up permeating through that fog and rain and voila-

suddenly I'm back in the sun. And getting a glorious tan, at that.

and it just takes patience. it just takes that little bit of beauty and courage rilke suggests, showing our fears and our sadnesses that we can be graceful. we can overcome. we can get through. and time passes and things are different and its all new and patience will prove that.

I love life. I love it's heavens and I love it's hells.

SUMMER!

I have no idea what day it is. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday?

I've been so tired and out of it all week long I feel like I can barely function like a normal human being.

However! It is officially summer, finally. The "June gloom" is all over and done with and it has been so sunny and hot and summery.

And so far my itinerary for summer has been going great.

As much sun time and drinking as possible.

I got a little sunburn yesterday and Anna and I got tipsy by the pool. And I read all day. Then Adj came over and we lazed around and watched movies and feel asleep early.

such good start to summer!

bahahaha

Some days you really just have to sit back and have a good hearty laugh about how ironic life can be.

It seems like everytime I try to do something productive or responsible for my life it backfires.

I have such bad luck (or maybe just bad financial responsibility) with tickets and my ridiculous car.

It's okay though. 

I can either be really upset and stressed out about the fact that I'm so fucked right now.

Or I can just laugh about it. Because inevitably, there isn't a whole lot I can do right now except for what I'm already doing.

I can pay all tickets on time from now on, and pay off all my bills as soon as possible.

and that is about it. O yeah, and not get tickets ever again.

So fuck for that.

But yay for life still being great. Because I want it to be. and it is. 

Summer Drink:

Mojitos! 

Get ready summer fun because we are going to drink a ridiculous amount of mojitos.

mmmmhm.

Something More.

I rush to greet new experience with shaky hands and words that tumble out so fast they are barely coherent (my zeal gives me away. Gives away the passion and energy that is so often unfocused, but always there. Always reaching and reaching for more ways to connect to learn to grow to understand. Sometimes this passion gets misdirected, misconstrued, lost, and finds me overwhelmed and paralyzed. But it is there and always growing.)

I shiver and shake to explore any aspect of life that I've yet to know.

and sometimes the choices we make, the experiences we meet, result in exquisite pain. yet that doesn't make me believe that I should regret any life event I've had, any new moment that I'm blessed to live through.

I may have moments where the weight of terror seems too much to bare, where the sound of doom gets louder and louder, but I survive. I always survive. 

Infinite being, you, who is too great to conceptualize, beat this fear and paralysis to nothingness.

I want to face myself and others with pure honesty, with integrity.

I do not live by the law of apathy. 

This is why I fight.

This is why I struggle.

Oh peace, so brilliant, so bright, come greet me for a few moments, I implore.

I will not hate myself for being in the desert. I will not fault myself for crawling, dusty and blinded, because I know I am pulling myself toward higher knowledge. If knowledge of nothing else but myself.

I drag myself toward wisdom.

I will not dwell on the desolation I see and feel, but dwell on the hope that these times will pass. They always pass. 

I am grateful for each moment of my life that I've lived thus far, and I am so grateful for each new moment that is sure to come.

something.

I scratch at the surface of everything

trying to dig my way to something

somewhere

that makes any sense

I want to believe that my life has purpose

that these tears will dry and 

not show for a while

that this fear

this overwhelming

powerful fear

will go into hiding for a time

I want to smile and believe 

that there is power in it

laugh and believe

that joy is spilling from me

maybe leaking onto someone else

who needs it

I believe in life

I believe in me

I believe in you

I believe in love

but belief doesn't make this torment go away

doesn't make this desperation quiet

So I will let it pass

I will fight my way through it

I will continue to believe

that there is hope 

and goodness

and meaning

I will not let myself become bitter

hardened

I will not cover my feelings

and run away from them until

I'm not even sure the truth

of what I'm feeling or who

I am.

I will face it all and I will become stronger

and wiser

and able to love more

beautifully.

These things I have faith in.