Maybe something will come of it; I mean, stranger things have happened.
strangest mood lately. somber, but not unhappy. quiet, but not sad. empty-minded, but not bored. Like I'm growing and changing and the only thing I can do is watch myself from a safe distance. Past-times that used to interest me, and captivate most of my interest at that, no longer have the same hold. wine is nice in the evening, but i find myself happy to stay sober throughout the day, and drugs....o drugs.....I see now that they were an escape for a purpose of escaping. Pure, sober reality, for most of my waking time, is somewhat new, and maybe that is why I've been quiet and more contemplative lately, it's not at all like depression or anything of the sort, it's more of a curious observance. Seeing the way things can be calm and still somewhat satisfying in the proper state of mind.
Yes, sometimes it's boring, watching 8 pm roll in, knowing that the hours will tick lazily by until it's time for sleep, but the boredom is more just the fear of it coming, and not really the actual arrival of it.
it's sad that the two art forms in which i've identified myself: I'm an actress, I'm a writer.
they've both grown so far from being true. when was the last time i actually wrote something of significance? something at all? When was the last time I auditioned, much less performed? February of this year was the last time I acted in something. Long ago. I am my own worst enemy, the procrastinator of all procrastinators, I might as well of made up the word 'lazy'.
I'm constantly trying to force myself to do things that I frankly, have no interest in: excersize, well...yeah, excersize. I guess that's still good, interest or not...but yet, i don't force myself to hurl me back into that terrifying world of rejection and terror, with the end result of hopefully performing, but most of the time just smiling nicely or saying something stupid.
I don't force myself to write, to sit in front of blank space and summon something up, something that will hopefully sound good and make me more interested in myself.
growing older and each subsequent phase in life is as hard as the one before; somehow I always thought it would maybe get easier, would maybe all make more sense. I guess it doesn't. 24 now and even this seems far away from 21 and 22. it seems less confusing and at the same time more complicated and easier to make huge mistakes.
there's the money issue, and not having it. going to work everyday for the main purpose of getting some cash or a paycheck to help me through, help me pay the bills, feed myself, keep myself sheltered, keep myself mobile, keep myself available to the world, the world we live in, even more so now that we're in beverly hills, the world of money money money.
it's funny how you can forget why you go to work. you find yourself liking it, it's something to pass the time, it's somewhere to meet new people, it's somewhere to make money and spend it on bills....but you forget that you're there as a transitionary period before you make it big, before you start making money doing something that really excites you.
i forget that. a lot.
anything is easy to get sucked into, if you forget enough. lose your motivation enough. if you get comfortable too quickly.
things don't come as easily as i always thought they should or would, or as they always did.
you start to drift into the background, you become old news, you're 24 and the world doesn't give a shit about you anymore.
so now it's your turn to make shit happen.
