On the Road

I just finished reading this. I'm so glad I've finally started giving classics a chance. Such a good read. It starts out a little slow and a little detailed but by the mid-end his detail is rich and there is so much emotion behind everything he is saying.

What to read next?

Too much time.

Driving is hell.

All the thoughts that stay repressed throughout the day with work,

love,

weed,

food,

music,

books,

writing,

friends,

etc,

etc,

etc,

come out while I'm on that 45 mile stretch of road from costa mesa to los angeles.

it's especially bad when i'm crawling along for two hours with all the other drivers crawling along beside me.

why is it always during this time that my brain seems to spit out as many negative and scary thoughts as possible?

I think maybe I'm just afraid.

Afraid of loving.

Afraid of dying.

Afraid of never being understood.

There are so many things I want and yet really

I just want to be able to come home to a safe place, a loving face

a warm spot to curl and uncurl 

and hide out from that terrifying world out there.

The reason I love this man.

Happy 420

brain attack

I woke up this morning and heard the theme song from HOUSE.
Timmy went to the shower and I went to the living room to start the day off right.
Of course, Jason put it on pause and asked me what's going on in my life.

u
g
h.

I hate those questions (especially at 830 in the morning) because I know how much bullshit comes out of my mouth every single time I try to answer it.

"I'm rethinking my decision to be an actor...blah blah blah..excuse..justification...bulllllshit."
"I'm rethinking religion." (not bullshit, actually. I'm just done with it.

I liked the conversation, though. Jas isn't a bullshitter and he hits the nail on the head and says it like it is.
He said I was making excuses and making acting an ideology so I don't have to feel bad about not pursuing it because I'm too stubborn and lazy to jump through the normal hoops or else figure out a way around them and do it my own way. True words. I don't know though, we'll see how it goes. I'm just going to start writing more and creating ideas and maybe getting together with people who have some good ideas as well. Maybe he can teach me a little bit about screen writing, since that's what he does.

I guess overall, talking to him made me realize that
1) I'm just such a bullshitter in every sense of the word
2) I want to be more of a realist and not an idealist
3) I really like Jason

Anyway,
on the way home I was thinking about an honest answer to the question, "So what's happening in your life, Erin?" and I think the appropriate response for the moment would be:

"I'm trying as hard as I can to get my car repossesed. I'm in love with a boy who I think is the greatest. I don't know what I believe about god. I'm on a quest for as many drug induced experiences as I can have. I'm working. And I'm fantasizing about traveling the country and the world."

I mean, what else can I say. I don't know what my goals are, other than making sure I see timmy at least once a week. I don't know what I'm truly doing, except enjoying each moment as they come. I don't know what I believe, except that experiences are everything.

But I do know that I want to make sure I'm keeping my head above the water as far as my own fantasy world is concerned. I don't want to chase freedom so hard that I look down one day and find it tied around my ankles.